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The Moped Is Dripping In Sex Appeal

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Rolling around campus, my humbly-sized lap hog is merely the second most powerful thing between my legs. The first would be the Limited Edition Aruba-150 Superscooter humming beneath my plums to the tune of 50 CCs. Four-stroke engine. Fuel injector. Lumbar adjustment. Standard rear grab rail. Three horses. She’ll make 32 miles per hour her bitch in under fifteen seconds.

There are few things in this world that’ll make a man feel more alive than ‘pedding down Main Street with the wind in his hair and a bro’s junk in his back.

But don’t take my word for it:

BroButtBuffer #broped #backpack #mountainweekend

A photo posted by @2brosonamoped on

Brodown till we go down #broped #twobrosonamoped

A photo posted by @2brosonamoped on

What. #broped #againststandardsbutwe'lltakeit #dudes #shirtless #topless

A photo posted by @2brosonamoped on

@annavvilliamson appreciating the finer things in life #partytrunks #broped

A photo posted by @2brosonamoped on

Still not getting it? Wake the fuck up. Let me paint the scene.

Chapter starts in ten minutes, but there’s a huge line of cars clogging the exit of your student apartment complex. Not a problem for a mean, moped-driving son of a bitch like yourself. You whip right past your fellow students, who can only watch in envy from the confines of their four-door boner-killers as you slide through the gate just as it’s about to close like a goddamn action movie star. #TheFastAndTheFratty.

You join up with a group of brothers posted on their ‘peds right outside the Greek village. Got time for a quick frat lap? Always. You sling a paddle over your shoulder for maximum intimidation and ride through, hollering at sorostitutes as they jog by and mean-mugging the rival fraternity guys sitting on their porches.

Your crew pulls up next to a biker gang at the stop light. Hit ’em with the upwards head nod so they know what’s good. #SonsOfConformity.

You leave a wimpy bicyclist in the dust as you roll up to the business building just in time for chapter. Sorry, dweeb. Best believe our squad is taking every last available bike rack. You lock your ride, then flip up the seat to grab a few binders and shit from the storage compartment. You’ve got more room in your undercarriage than Alexis Texas after an hour-long shoot.

There are so many reasons to ditch that male-equivalent-of-a-boob-job lifted F-150 you’ve been overcompensating with and plop your gooch on a fratped. Not only is it convenient, sporty, and great for the environment (if you’re into that kinda thing), but the broped is dripping with sex appeal.

When a man straddles his Cooter Scooter and cruises past the hunnies, his Croakies streaming in the wind and his thigh-high shorts parachuting dangerously close to his nethers, he’s going to turn some heads. Crank the throttle and a woman revs up right alongside that single-cylinder beast you’ve got under the hood. Exercise extreme caution around the ladies: A moped’s traction only does so well in floods.

While a hottie wants nothing more than to hop on the bitch seat and press her rock hard nipples into the back of your ultra thin golf tee, you’re going to have to pass.

“Sorry, babe,” you tell her. “My boy gets out of Econ in five. Seat’s taken.”

Image via YouTube

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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