NEW TFM Videos Section

Watch thousands of hilarious videos from college campuses across the country.

Watch Now

The Morning Bump: Be Somebody

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

Mornings are dog shit. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff, so you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, compadre. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Either You’re Somebody, Or You’re Nobody

You can’t just going around popping off headshots in public, because this isn’t Harlem in the ’70s and you’re not Denzel Washington, but you do have to take what’s yours in this world. Right when you wake up, every single day, the world is ready to rip your piece off and beat you to death with it. You’re not going to let the world tear your tool off, are you? Fuck no. That’s your manhood, and you’ll be damned if you’re going to let some hater take it from you. Bust a metaphorical cap in that ass. Don’t be nobody — be somebody with a big ass dick that don’t take no shit.

Throw Them Bows

If old school Luda doesn’t get you pumped up, nothing will. Turn this shit up, close the windows, jump around like a maniac and rip your fucking shirt in half. Hit the floor and throw them bows, son. If your roommate walks in on you acting like a deranged psychopath, just throw them bows at that dude too. If he can’t handle the heat, he should’ve stayed the hell out of your kitchen. Cook that crack, youngin’.

Be Like Mike

Nothing like watching the greatest baller of all-time do work to remind you that you can always be better. Man, I wish I’d been older when MJ was in his prime so I could’ve truly appreciated that shit. What a freak. Be like Mike today. Drink and gamble and be irrationally competitive.

Earn This

Tom Hanks and Jesus died for you to live the life you have. Earn that. Earn it, or Tom Hanks and Jesus will have died in vain.

Got something you think should be featured in The Morning Bump? Email it to me at

Email this to a friend

Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

9 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

The Feed