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The Morning Bump: Carpe Diem

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Mornings are dog shit. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff. So you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, dude. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Get Your Blood Pumping

Starting your day with coffee is fine. But starting your day with unnecessarily intense and fast-paced crunches while the blood-curdling screams of innocent women serve as background music for your workout is way more hardcore. Do you want to be fine or do you want to be hardcore? That’s a rhetorical question, you buffoon. Be less like you, and more like Patrick Bateman. That’s how you’ll dominate today. Now get out there and jam some Huey Lewis & the News.

Carpe Diem

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, motherfucker. Carpe diem, hoe. Seize the day, trick. Who knows — it could be your last. After you’re done cranking out crunches in white boxers while absorbing the delicious sound of a roaring chainsaw, think on that shit. Think on how you can make today a valuable day. Think on the difference between you and every loser you know out there just floating through life like a lump of crap, and how you can widen the gap between yourself and those turds. Don’t just live — live well, and hard. Live erect.

Thank God You Don’t Have To Do This Shit

Remember that time you had to storm a beach filled with Nazis in an attempt to save the free world? Neither do I. Thank God you don’t have to do that shit. Thank God someone else did it for you. Thank your lucky stars that there were men with the strength and courage to stand up and say, “That’s enough, ass clown,” to every evil son of a bitch that attempted to make this world a shittier place before your time. Remember how much blood was spilt for you to live the way you live, and earn that shit today.

Laugh It Up, Bitch

Nothing like a good laugh to even things out after watching a brutal war scene and taking a few minutes to think about how lucky you are. So laugh it up, son. Give us a good, hearty belly laugh. If someone asks, “What’s so funny?” then respond, “Your face,” and resume laughing.


Now put on your $6,500 suit, get out there and kick some ass.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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