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The Morning Bump: Deal With It

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Mornings are rough. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff, so you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, guy. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Can You Smell It?

Pick up that devil log and hustle, bitch. It’s money making time. Don’t be the fattest boy in camp — be the baddest son of a bitch on the block. Your sheer will to dominate in every aspect of life should terrify people. “That guy is a psychopath,” people should say. “He once choke-slammed me through a beer pong table after sinking the last cup in my face and forcing me to give him my girlfriend’s number.” Man, you sound awesome. Oh look! A deli meat.

Always Be Closing

Coffee is for closers. And you know this, man. Be a closer. Close on that girl you’ve always been too ugly to talk to. Close on that test that you have tomorrow for a class you’ve never attended involving a textbook you’ve never opened. Close your eyes and think about an eagle soaring through the clouds with an American flag clutched between his talons. Always. Be. Closing.

You Are Not A Pussy

It’s called meditation. Maybe you should try it sometime. Life is ninety percent mental. Scientists have proven that you can literally make your balls bigger just by telling yourself over and over that they’ll be bigger. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to, just like your parents told you repeatedly between the ages of 5 and 17 before you got that DWI and they completely gave up. You are not a pussy, so don’t act like a pussy. Grab life by the dick and squeeze.

Why Do We Fall?

That might be the most motivational compilation video on the internet. I feel like I could shotgun 30 beers and then run 30 miles right now. I’m feeling skinny, Tony. And now I’m ready to take on the day.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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