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The Morning Bump: Get Fired Up

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Mornings are annoying as shit. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff, so you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, captain. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Get Fired Up

I am so fucking fired up right now. There are unsafe levels of adrenaline pumping through my veins. I wouldn’t be surprised if I went into cardiac arrest, to be honest. Every fiber of my being is begging me to get up from my desk, full sprint toward the nearest intern, and spear him right in the chest. My nutsack is wiling me to spread my seed amongst the masses. Football! It’s so fucking close that I can almost taste it. And by “it” I mean hotdogs, beers, sausage, potato chips, and titty milk. Sports!

Become A Fucking Millionaire

Ben Affleck is probably boning his nanny as we speak, and Brad Pitt is probably watching him. Think about that for a second. Now think about this: you are the future big swinging dicks of this country. Anybody that tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t fucking have any. They say money can’t buy happiness? Look at the smile on Ben Affleck’s nanny-fucking face. Ear-to-ear, baby. To be like Ben “Nanny-Fucking” Affleck? You are required to work your fucking ass off. Now get out there and put in work. If you don’t work, you don’t eat. If you don’t grind, you don’t shine. Mike Jones said that shit before he lost 100 pounds, possibly from AIDS. Who is Mike Jones? Good fucking question. Make sure nobody asks that question about you. Fuck you, mom and dad.

Consider Your Reputation

Time to be a madman. Time to tell every single person in this world that doubts you that they are a fucking fool. Victory is the sweetest revenge. Go forth and make fuckbois wish they never met you. Force the mothers of haters to cry knowing that you proved their salty sons wrong. Get hard, get weird, and get to winning.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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