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The Morning Bump: Intimidating Grunts

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Mornings are dog shit. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff. So you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, big dog. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Thump Your Chest And Kick Some Ass

Tell me you don’t feel like committing white collar fraud right now. It’s time to embrace your most basic instincts as a man, thump your chest and let out a series of intimidating grunts. Make yourself an inappropriately large breakfast, scarf it down, and prepare to do battle with the world today, because I can guarantee the world is already prepared to do battle with you.

We’re Gonna Need A Montage

Fuck that felt good. I mean that montage really hit the spot. My body just filled up with so much testosterone that my testicles might literally explode. I don’t know about you, but I feel like lifting heavy objects while making sweet love to a beautiful woman. I feel like climbing a mountain and roaring like a tiger at the top of my lungs when I reach the peak to let Mother Nature know who’s boss. I feel like going to Russia and engaging Vladimir Putin in hand-to-hand combat. I’m probably just gonna go about my normal schedule and attempt to dominate that, but the point is that I feel like doing all those other things.

You Can Be The Hero

Just because you think you can win, and you’re all jacked up on Enrique Iglesias hits, doesn’t mean you’re going to win. The son of a bitch you’re going up against might have a badass Patagonia and knock you flat on your ass. Does that mean you give up? Shit no. Nothing is over until you say it is. Why do we fall, sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up. Now get off your ass and finish the fight.

Freedom Is The Only Way

Lick my butt and suck on my balls.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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