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The Morning Bump: Kick Ass And Take Names

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Mornings are straight up garbage. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff, so you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, psycho. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Hurt Some People

I love the smell of an ass-kicking in the morning. Ben Affleck, the nanny fucker, throws it down for the whole city of Boston and Tom fuckin’ Brady in that scene. Complete ownage. I can feel it deep down in my plumbs. Now come on — let’s go fuck the world together. Whose car are we gonna take?

Be The Best Of The Best

Not sure about you, but I want to go play some freakin’ golf right about now. Sure, I’ll hate myself and want to quit after four holes, and I’ll press on and probably have a heat stroke on the back nine, but I’ll be a better man for it. That’s what life’s all about: giving it your all. Don’t cry like a little baby because you hit a few bad shots. Grow up and steady yourself and take another hack. Man’s game, bitch.

Manipulate The Sheep

What are you, a farmer? Put on a tux, pour a scotch, and call a high-dollar prostitute. It’s the fuckin’ weekend, dawg. It’s time to get down or get the hell out. Are you and American, or are you a communist? Do you even like scotch? Grow a pair, damn you. Raise hell and get people pregnant.

Meet Willy Fuckin’ Wonka

If anyone here is not down to fuck, go get a job at fuckin’ McDonald’s, because that’s where you fuckin’ belong. But before you depart this website, take a good fuckin’ look at the weirdo sitting next to you with his dick in his hand, because that guy is a winner. You be ferocious. You be relentless. You eat today and poop it out like a hefty meal from Chipotle. Havoc!

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

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