The Morning Bump: Kick Ass And Take Names

Mornings are straight up garbage. You’re tired and hungover, but you have to get out of bed and do stuff, so you could use a little motivation. A little pick-me-up. A little morning bump, if you will. Well here you go, psycho. Put this metaphorical straw to your nose and snort.

Hurt Some People

I love the smell of an ass-kicking in the morning. Ben Affleck, the nanny fucker, throws it down for the whole city of Boston and Tom fuckin’ Brady in that scene. Complete ownage. I can feel it deep down in my plumbs. Now come on — let’s go fuck the world together. Whose car are we gonna take?

Be The Best Of The Best

Not sure about you, but I want to go play some freakin’ golf right about now. Sure, I’ll hate myself and want to quit after four holes, and I’ll press on and probably have a heat stroke on the back nine, but I’ll be a better man for it. That’s what life’s all about: giving it your all. Don’t cry like a little baby because you hit a few bad shots. Grow up and steady yourself and take another hack. Man’s game, bitch.

Manipulate The Sheep

What are you, a farmer? Put on a tux, pour a scotch, and call a high-dollar prostitute. It’s the fuckin’ weekend, dawg. It’s time to get down or get the hell out. Are you and American, or are you a communist? Do you even like scotch? Grow a pair, damn you. Raise hell and get people pregnant.

Meet Willy Fuckin’ Wonka

If anyone here is not down to fuck, go get a job at fuckin’ McDonald’s, because that’s where you fuckin’ belong. But before you depart this website, take a good fuckin’ look at the weirdo sitting next to you with his dick in his hand, because that guy is a winner. You be ferocious. You be relentless. You eat today and poop it out like a hefty meal from Chipotle. Havoc!

Got something you think should be featured in The Morning Bump? Email it to me at

Email this to a friend

Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, host of the Back Door Cover podcast, Rockets, Astros and Texans internet mascot, cheese enchilada aficionado, nap god, 2017 Masters attendee, and Editor-in-Chief of Grandex Media.

4 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More