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The Movie “Lights Out” Will Help You Get Laid

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Somehow, a movie is still the most popular date night activity for American couples. With ticket prices at an all-time high (almost $15 in New York City, for example) and the wallet-gouging prices at the concession stand, you might as well get a lay out of it.

So here’s this week’s movie that should provide a really happy ending: Lights Out.

Who: Horror mega-producer James Wan is at it again with another micro-budgeted horror thriller literally designed to scare her into asking to spend the night.

What: A family suffering from some kind of straight jacket-inducing mental illness is tormented by a husband-murdering dead/imagined/who gives a fuck that jumps out of the darkness, ALOT.

Actual movie quality: C+.

Odds of getting you laid: Very High.

Why: The female lead had me half chubbed in the opening scene with her hatred of post-sex sleepovers and a strong resemblance to Amber Heard. The guy nailing her in some sort of progressive, no-strings-attached fuck buddy arrangement for adults, is inexplicably bitching about her unwillingness to let him keep his belongings in a drawer in her apartment and “open up” to him about her painfully apparent issues.

Let this serve as a lesson for all of us: if she doesn’t want to talk to you about something, there’s a damn good reason why not. What follows is a 45 minute or so movie consisting almost exclusively of a stereotypically contorted figure prancing around in the dark while nobody understands what the fuck is going on. In other words, it’s a darker version of most of our sexual exploits freshman year.

The creature is waging an actual war on men, apparently killing every man interested in the female characters (though it’s not actually clear if the creature exists or the mother is just terrifyingly schizophrenic). Regardless, the movie relies on the most juvenile “scares” — abrupt jump outs and dramatic music prompting half the theater to bury their heads in their respective significant others, though nobody knows what’s actually going on.

What could have been a chilling look at the effects of untreated mental illness and the terrifying reality that is genetically inherited disease instead devolves into a mess of cliché and a level of contradiction impossible to decipher.

However, the demonic outline in the darkness is a nightmare everybody has had, seemingly tailor-made to literally scare the pants off of her, and exponentially upping your chances of an overnight stay.

The movie isn’t exactly an Oscar contender, but it’s fun and gets right to the action from the start. It’s almost completely devoid of backstory or plot development.

And a final plus: it’s about as long as an episode of Game of Thrones.

Image via YouTube

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Siblings of Mark Wahlberg

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