The Natty Daddy

During a recent alcohol-purchasing venture at our neighborhood gas station, one of my pledge brothers noticed Natural Light’s latest offering to our great society – The Natty Daddy. It’s 24 ounces and 8% ABV, so with every one of these you’re essentially downing four regular Natties. They say it’s “brewed with the same all-natural ingredients as Natural Light,” and I don’t know what that means, but here’s what happens if you throw a rager and substitute these in for regular beers:

In lieu of “Wagon Wheel” the whole party sings “Enter Sandman” in unison.

Instead of bumming two Camel Lights you chain-smoke Marlboro Reds.

Nobody tucks their boner.

MIPs turn into PIs.

Girls’ arm muscles look slightly more toned than usual.

Never mind an open-air hand job, there’s going to be a flying 69 on the dance floor.

Less trips back-and-forth between beer trough and beer pong table during spree of dominance.

.08 turns into .32

In your ultra-drunk state you possess the brute retard strength to outrun a bicycle cop that would normally take you down with ease.

People who would usually pass out fully clothed atop their beds are found naked in the front yard.

Your two-minute mid-sex piss break becomes an eight-minute battle with a stiff fire hose.

Instead of that girlish grunt you give during climax, you roar like a lion.

There is no late night trip to Jack in the Box. You sprint into the woods with a hatchet to hunt a wild fucking animal.

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