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The Official 2016 Not Frat Bracket: Final Four

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The Official 2016 Not Frat Bracket is here.

Earlier this year, your votes determined that Natural Light is 2016’s frattest thing. Now, it’s time to find out what reigns supreme at the opposite end of the spectrum — what is 2016’s most NF (not frat) thing? That’s up to you to decide.

Final. Four. It’s the last round before the Natty, so you know the competition is stiff as can be. The Elite Eight saw three chalk results (though two were extremely tight contests) as well as one WHOMPING of a 1 seed by a 2 seed to determine the regional champs. Here’s how things went down in the round of 8.

*UPSET* #1 Socialism fell to #2 Hillary Clinton 38%-62%

•#1 Cargos NARROWLY defeated #2 Safe spaces 50%-50% (177 votes)

•#1 North Korea NARROWLY defeated #4 Vaping 50%-50% (175 votes)

•#3 Feminism defeated #8 Gun control 74%-26%

To see how the bracket played out from the round of 64 down to the Elite Eight, click here.

It’s time to find out what will be facing off in the National Championship. Let’s do this.

Polls will be closed Tuesday, July 19

#1 Cargos vs. #2 Hillary Clinton

#1 Cargos

Victories over: #16 Premature ejaculation, #9 Steve Holt, #13 Skintight jeans, #2 Safe spaces

Nothing can really be said about cargos that hasn’t been said before. Provoking the ire of fraternity men everywhere ever since they transitioned from early 2000s frat to NF (along with the rest of Abercrombie & Fitch’s catalog), cargo shorts are the least frat article of clothing in the world.

Can I explain to you exactly why cargo shorts are so NF? While I can put forth some valid reasons that support that thesis, no, I can’t give you be-all, end-all reasons as to why they lack frat. That’s part of the beauty of it — like Scientologists defending their sham of a religion by calling it “faith,” all I need to justify my belief that cargos are NF is to say an assertion with no evidence backing it and then go all in on it.

“They just are.”

Cargos. NF.

Required reading: A Response To BroBible’s Defense of Cargo Shorts

#2 Hillary Clinton

Victories over: #15 Piercings, #7 TOMS, #14 Hot Topic, #1 Socialism

You find me any person ever whose actions led to the deaths of innocent people and I’ll show you someone who’s about as NF as it gets. Pair that with the fact that Hillary is the Democratic nominee (yuck!) and she’s an NF powerhouse in a pantsuit. Furthermore, her choice in phone, the Blackberry, is NF. It’s all about that iPhone life.

With all that going against her, Hillary is a strong contender to pull a minor upset here in the Final Four. Then you go back and look at NF stalwart cargos and think, “Forget it, there’s no way they can lose!” Or is there? This is a truly sickening matchup, and it’s one that I predict will come down to the wire.

Hillary Clinton. NF.

Required viewing: Watch Hillary Clinton Lie For 14 Straight Minutes, Because Politics Are Honestly Hilarious

#1 North Korea vs. #3 Feminism

#1 North Korea

Victories over: #16 Dry handjobs, #8 Gottlieb Duttweiler Institute, #4 Vaping, #2 Trigger warnings

The country that nobody is really scared of. The country that’s on a power trip even though it doesn’t have any real authority. The country that sentenced a UVA Theta Chi to 15 years hard labor for petty theft. North Korea is the campus PD of Earth, becoming a bigger joke at their own hand with each passing day. Sad!

North Korea stands for everything we stand against which is why they’ve been in the shitter the entirety of their existence. It’s only a matter of time before this un-American garbage country kicks the dust.

North Korea. NF.

Required reading: Here’s The Video Of The Heinous Crime That Got UVA Theta Chi Otto Warmbier 15 Years Hard Labor In North Korea

#3 Feminism

Victories over: #14 Flat-brim hats, #6 Hoverboards, #2 Bernie Sanders, #8 Gun control

A movement that started with humble, noble roots has since gone rogue, creating a generation of entitled, armpit hair-having social justice warriors. Feminists went from Suffragettes to insufferable, and we’re all worse off because of it. Women’s soccer players should get paid the same amount as their male counterparts? Maybe if women actually watched the games instead of going on the internet and complaining about how there’s no money coming into women’s soccer (because nobody watches the games), that problem could come a little closer to being solved.

Feminism didn’t used to suck, but feminists changed all that.

Feminism. NF.

Required reading: Where Feminism Has Gone Wrong

The Final Four will be announced Wednesday, July 20.

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Bracket design by Connor Davis. Follow him on Instagram.

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