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The Oregon Militia Asked America For Supplies, Are Receiving Dildos Upon Dildos In Response

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Even though keeping up with current events is part of my job description, I make certain exceptions. If I think something in the news shouldn’t be news at all, I do what Fetty Wap does every time he moves his head to the left: turn a blind eye to it. That’s exactly what I did in response to all this bizarre Oregon militia shit.

I honestly have no idea who they are, what they’re protesting, or what their demands are. I know nothing. Zilch. Because, from what I understand, that’s how it should be. A bunch of random dudes trying to get national attention by pandering to the 99% is insulting to the intelligence of the American populace. That’s why I’d never donate anything to their cause, not even the time it would take to get caught up on their doings.

Your attention isn’t all they’d like donated to them. They sent out a list of supplies that they claim they need to continue fighting the good fight. Here’s what they are asking for.

My favorite inclusions:

1. Money – Do you guys need money? Damn, I never would’ve guessed. Powerball’s at $1.4 billion, dogs. Hit it up.

2. Miracle Whip/Mayonnaise – It’s not protesting unless you have two mayonnaise-esque sandwich spread options.

3. Medicine – Very descriptive.

4. Gaming supplies – I’ve got a broken Nintendo Virtual Boy you can have.

So that’s what they asked for. And here’s what they got.

My biggest hope in the world right now is that the Oregon militia ends up so drastically undersupplied that they’re forced to actually utilize all the penis gear they’re receiving. Imagine a ton of middle-aged Oregonians posted up in federal buildings waving around 3-foot dildos like nunchuks and eating penis candies for sustenance. That would get me to start paying attention to this whole ordeal.

My faith in America that was taken away by these numbskulls has been replaced by Americans’ responses to their idiocy.

[via Twitter, YouTube]

Image via YouTube

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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