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2018 has arrived and the need for internet clout is more pressing than ever. You might drool over this chick and think that your late night double tap is sending her all the right signals, but you’re just another like in the ether. If you’re down for real-world pursuits, it’s important to consider these real possibilities when getting involved with a potential Great White Buffalo.
1.Your Personal Social Media Brand
Perk: When she finally decides it’s time to tag you in a generic couple pose from a date function and throws out the “I guess he’s not so bad” caption, you’ll get a noticeable bump in followers. And we all know, the more followers you have, the more value you have as a human being. Stay with her for long enough and you’ll even get a “This guy” caption out of it.
Downfall: She’s going to be blowing up your spot. And now EVERYONE will want to take a look at the show. Maybe you don’t want a bunch of strange dudes from across the country commenting “I can’t believe this mashed-potato-gut chode is dating @KittyCatFit69.” You don’t want your comments littered with middle-eastern accounts just violently masturbating to your girl.
2.The Art Of Photography
Perk: You get to explore the intricacies of the iPhone portrait mode. Your girl undoubtedly has a less attractive friend that takes all of her pictures for her right now. A de facto intern. And by becoming the man in her life, you are going to take over that responsibility and free that girl from the chains of “friendship.” You’re a hero.
Downfall: You will become a picture bitch. You’ll be lying down in the snow or standing in the desert to get the 1000 shots that she’ll need to choose from. You can account for the extra hour it takes for her to get to Instagram-famous level hot but you’ll always need to build in an extra 45 minutes for a ~candid~ photography session. After enough time you will realize that taking her picture isn’t stealing away a part of her soul every time, it’s burning away part of yours.
3.God Help You If She’s A Fitness Chick
Perk: This is one of the few ways for a guy to get real fans. If she’s a fitness chick then you’re obviously a gym rat dude that probably grooms your eyebrows. Because fitness chicks want fitness dudes, it completes their aesthetic. Guys and girls from across the country become invested in your relationship and you’ll be soliciting nudes from random girls in Wisconsin in no time.
Downfall: You are going to have to search for a new corner in your campus gym to take a picture every night, to give the illusion of variety. The fitness chick demands physical perfection so you’re now part of the #NoDaysOff club. Maybe you want to eat a burger, maybe you want to go out drinking? Not happening, not on her vigilant caloric watch.
4. Marketing And Brand Recognition
Perk: People are just going to give her things. And by extension, you’ll get random things too. All she has to do is post about her new FitTea or wear some hacky bracelet with a spiritual explanation and she’s going to be flush with cash. Selling out is the American dream, props to her for being able to accomplish that at such a young age.
Downfall: There’s a real link between ego and social media. In the case of corporate sponsorship, it’s more valid than ever. She knows how much she’s worth because she’s actually earning it. You WILL put on this new pore-clearing nasal strip that she’s hawking. You will take part in the reluctant boyfriend participation trend; because momma makes the big bucks around here, and if you want to be around for the ride you’ll shut up and take it.
5. Self Esteem
Perk: If she’s famous on social media, she’s good looking. You’ll feel great dating a girl that’s out of your league, and someone that so many other guys are after. She’ll start posting very long and emotional captions about how wonderful you are, and how thankful she is for your constant support and motivation, and people will think you’re an all-around great guy.
Downfall: It might be time to face the facts and see that your relationship on the internet has eclipsed your relationship in reality. That’s what can happen when someone daily vlogs their life away. Sometimes you just want to throw down and live in the moment without your phone in hand. It’s weird to start performing your relationship for the world. I’m pretty sure this is why they make the show Black Mirror.
But maybe you can get enough followers to get verified. That’s our goal here. #GetVerified2018 .
Image via TFMGirls