I fucked up, you guys. Almost a year ago I was introduced to a new, FaF drinking technique that I should have shared with you all. I feel like a dick for depriving you of it for this long. I know it would’ve caught on had I enlightened you folks about its existence because you look up to me like I’m your frat messiah or something. It’s pretty fucking weird, but I do get it. I mean, when you get as many eHarmony matches as I do, it kinda comes with the territory.
Anyways, the technique. Joe, the booty-stank guy from my Catfished column, is also a lax bro. He tosses the peb with the best of ’em. Last year he bypassed an invitation to go on spring break with me (it’s fine, because it’s not like I have feelings or anything) to go compete in a lacrosse tournament in Spain. This tournament happened to coincide with Saloufest.
Saloufest is pretty much where British college (or “university,” as they call it for whatever stupid reason) students go to get drunk and do wild, outrageous, and just plain weird things. And when I say weird, I mean WEIRD. Like “take a shot out of your buddy’s foreskin at a bar” weird. Isn’t that ridiculous? Doing that in your fraternity house is one thing, but in PUBLIC? Savages.
So Joe would play lacrosse during the day and witness these crazies commit heinous crimes against nature at night. The stories he has are pretty damn disgusting, but surprisingly not as disgusting as the stories he would have had he gone on spring break with me.
Joe did bring back one worthwhile story from these skeezeballs, though. One day he described to me this glorious drinking technique he had learned while at Saloufest. It had everything. Beer, women, perpendicular lines, everything.
It’s called “the straightarm,” and it can be explained in three easy and fun steps:
1. Open your beer.
2. Lift the hand containing said beer up in the air without bending your elbow so that your arm is perpendicular to the ground.
3. Waterfall the beer into your mouth.
The one-man long pour. It’s so simple, yet so effective. I had never even fathomed something so glorious could exist.
Fast forward to a dock day two weeks before the beginning of last fall semester. I had just been initiated at the end of the spring semester (LOL SPRING PLEDGE SO NF RIGHT?) and was hanging out with my new brothers. During my JI summer, I was not entirely sure what I should or shouldn’t be doing. That’s probably why earlier in the summer, when a brother told me to snort a line of Country Time Lemonade powder, I quickly obliged. Old habits die hard. In retrospect, I probably didn’t need to do that, but I don’t regret it because you know what they say: “It’s not the grades you make, it’s the substances you insufflate.”
That’s when it hit me: this is the perfect time to break out the straightarm. What better way to gain my new brothers’ respect than to pour an entire fucking beer down my throat from 2.5 feet in the air? They’ll totally respect me if I do it. Maybe they’ll even stop calling me by my pledge nickname, “Doodoopuss.” So I went for it. I put it all out on the line.
It didn’t end up working in that my brothers still hated (and still do hate) me, but it was really fun. And that’s why good ol’ Doodoopuss is sharing this technique with you.
I’m a pretty stubborn guy. Short black hair in my Chinese food? Eh, probably mine, and I keep eating. My slam’s got some mysterious bumps going on down there? She probably encountered an angry, crotch-level bee swarm. The girl I’ve been Facebook stalking (and haven’t talked to yet but I know is TOTALLY going to dig me) is making out with my pledge brother? He must’ve roofied her, so I have him prosecuted to the fullest extent of J-Board. You just can’t be doing that to my girl, guy.
It is because of my stubbornness that I am surprised I let this revolutionary drinking technique enter my repertoire. There will always be staples like the shotgun (which I’m terrible at), the long pour (which I’m terrible at), and the sip (which I am below average at), but I realized that there are some times when these just won’t do, and that’s where the straightarm comes in.
Here’s why I love the straightarm, and why you should, too.
1. The bitches love it.
When a gal sees you hoist your beverage skyward, she becomes moister than a towelette. It’s the ultimate power move. It’s like you’re just flat-out saying to the world, “Hey, world. I like to get drunk,” but in one swift and sexy motion. Sheesh, even I’m getting randy just thinking about it. For the penultimate straightarm p-move, choose a heavy beer. Only straightarm with heavy beer because light beers don’t give you enough of an arm workout. It’s a TFM.
2. It puts the FUN in FUNctional.
Much akin to the shotgun, the straightarm is a way of finishing a brew in one go. Sure, a little more spillage may occur, but it’s just part of the fun. If you’re so poor that you’re going to cry over a little spilled beer, you probably shouldn’t even be in a fraternity anyways.
3. Kony hates it.
And whatever Kony hates, I love. Fuck that guy. #KONY2013
Give the straightarm a shot. You won’t regret it.
Straight arms, full beers, can’t lose.