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With Fall fast approaching, and the calm relaxation of the Summer months coming to a close, it is time for the fraternal excellence of the world to prepare itself for a return to glory. While back to school once meant a fresh new set of 64 Crayons and stacks of construction paper as far as your juvenile eyes could see, in our collegiate glory the focus takes a significant shift.
While I’m sure you’ve gone over your own checklist time and time again, making sure you don’t forget a single thing necessary for the debauchery of your year ahead, I’ve put together my own just to make sure nothing slips through the cracks. With any luck, this will be one of the sloppiest most drunken years of each and every one of our lives.
So you can use them one out of every ten times you get laid.
Someone is going to punch a hole in your wall eventually. Might as well stock up.
☐ Bottle of Favorite Liquor
Always start on the right note.
☐ Hatred of Pledges
Because you know they’re going to be the worst pledge class of all time.
You might as well have it for this first day or two.
☐ Koozie Collection
Thou shalt not let thy hand warm thy beer.
☐ Golf Clubs
So you have a good excuse to get blackout on Saturday mornings.
☐ Adderall Prescription
They’re as easy to get as Chlamydia from your local “Loft Monkey.”
☐ Your fucks given
On second thought, leave those at home.
“Siri, you little robo-slut, I need to find a gas station that’s still selling beer.”
Everyone loves the guy carrying the funnel.
☐ Practice Slam Session With a Girl Back Home
You might as well make sure you’re in top form for Fall semester.
☐ Your Gameday Demeanor
“IT’S 10AM! WHY AREN’T WE DRINKING YET?”
☐ Gatorade and Advil
The breakfast of champions.
97% for aimless internet searching, 3 percent for actual legitimate work.
☐ Pack of Tissues
You never know when you’ll get a “totally accidental” nosebleed.
☐ Sense of American Pride
If the Star Spangled Banner doesn’t get you slightly aroused right after the Olympics, there’s no helping you.
☐ New Sperry Topsiders
They’ll smell like gorilla testicles by September.
…from last semester that you still haven’t sold back.
☐ Netflix Subscription
The only wingman you’ll ever need.
☐ Tank Tops
No sleeves, no shame.
☐ One Pair of Crutches
If you don’t need them this semester, someone else in your house will.
The ultimate drinking game. Simplicity meets reckless abandon.
Never underestimate the sexual convenience of a couch that is also a bed.
☐ Plans for a Roadtrip
If you aren’t going to enemy territory at least once this football season, you’re doing it wrong.
☐ Cooler Made by Your Formal Date
Because if she’s worth anything at all, she made it look fucking awesome.
☐ Your Love of Freshmen
Because what’s more American than drinking and cooking red meat?
☐ Your Drunken Recklessness
You had to play it safe drinking back home, but not anymore with the glory of pledge rides right around the corner.
☐ Lawn Chair
The best and only way to scope your Sorority Rush Week.
☐ Your hatred of rival fraternities.
Because that 3-month old carton of spoiled eggs would be an excellent addition to their courtyard renovations.
☐ Plastic Sunglasses
Sometimes, you’re going to drink enough that your Costas have a 98% chance of destruction. Can’t hurt to have a safety net.
☐ Intramural Jersey
So you can at least look good when you get reminded how far you’ve fallen from your high school athletic glory.
Only for decoration…of course.
☐ Rowdy Gentleman T-Shirt Collection
Because shameless plugs are okay when the shirts are this awesome.