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The Time The Government Seized My Venmo Account

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Paying cash for the Breitling. TFM.

Let’s face it, Venmo has become a heavy hitter in the realm of social media, especially with women. Girls will spend hours scrolling through their public Venmo feeds, scouring them for the most interesting descriptions they can find. I’ve found myself spending several minutes crafting the perfect descriptions that will make me look funny or interesting. Don’t lie, you’ve done it too. However, there was one particular instance in which I royally fucked this up.

A few weeks ago, I was paying a brother for some shirts that our fraternity had ordered. I found his name, entered in the amount, and then paused for a moment to think of a clever description. Upon coming up with nothing clever, I headed into the realm of inappropriate and offensive. I typed in “ISIS signup fee.” Obviously, I’ll never be one to align with terrorist groups for any reason, but I see nothing wrong with making a quick joke at their expense here and there. But I’m going to end the explaining and justification right there, because that was fucking stupid and wouldn’t have happened had I used my brain for a second.

A few hours after I sent my brother the payment for the shirts, I got several emails. Each of these notified me that my payment had been seized by the government, and that my account was under review. There was a possibility that my account would be completely banned, and that all of the money I had on it would be taken from me. In a cold sweat, I emailed Venmo’s customer service to see what my options were. I was then given a link to fill out an extensive form with the Office of Foreign Assets Control, the last page of which prompted me to summarize why I was seeking to have my money released back to me. At a loss for what to say, I simply wrote “I’d really like it back.” I also had to check a box specifying that my business that day had nothing to do with North Korea, and that I wasn’t up to any Edward Snowden shit. All for a stupid formal shirt.

Most of you probably haven’t done anything that stupid on social media, Venmo or otherwise. For the concerning amount of you that are that dumb, take this as a warning to keep terrorist organizations out of your daily Venmo transactions. I still haven’t gotten my money back, and I had to resend the money to my friend with a slightly less offensive description: “Smallpox blankets.”

Bonus Tip: As I previously mentioned, wenches these days are checking Venmo like it’s their job. With the knowledge that all of a girl’s friends are checking out her payments, your own creativity and lack of morals are the only limits to the damage you can cause. If you pay a girl for anything in the neighborhood of $40, the description can be something to the tune of “You know why,” or a pill emoji if such a thing exists. To be even worse, say you’re paying a guy and a girl $20 each. Send the girl $15 instead, with the description “Just getting you prepared for the working world.” Hey, you didn’t make the rules on wage inequality. Let other people fight the patriarchy.

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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