The Top 5 Forms of Birth Control

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The Pill- Everyone’s Favorite 30-rack

Without a doubt, The Pill is the end-all be-all supreme form of birth control. No stress, no latex, no worries whatsoever, as long as she pops one of those fetus-proofing pills each day you’re in the clear. The Pill stands superior to other forms because you as the man don’t have to do a single thing. All you have to do is show up and thrust repeatedly, and unleash your genetically superior seed wherever you damn well please. Mission accomplished.

And believe it or not, there are other benefits of The Pill besides shameless splooging. Some women don’t even take The Pill for sex, instead using it to clear up acne or lighten a particularly debilitating period. Do you want to deal with a pizza faced woman with infernal fury sprouting from her ovaries every 28 days? I didn’t think so. Also, one cannot ignore the “Pill Tits” phenomenon, where a ladies mammaries swell up a few sizes with the spike in hormones.

Rush Limbaugh might not know exactly how they work, but we as enlightened human beings can look at these facts and realize the pure unadulterated awesomeness that is The Pill. And why every girl in college should be on it. Hint Hint.

Plan B- Way Cheaper than “Plan A”

Known to hardcore Christian psychopaths as the “abortion pill,” the morning after pill is in reality a very simple megadose of hormones that pull a “Scrubbing Bubbles” of your partner’s uterus. On the off chance that a broken condom or an accidenti-jaculation rears it’s semeny head, you need not fear because we have America’s little backup plan.

Essentially the CTRL+ALT+DELETE of the sex universe, Plan B has saved many a college student from a sad and fetus-y fate. While picking up Plan B might be a little awkward, it is a hell of a lot easier than the world’s most popular nine month inconvenience.

If for some strange reason you feel the need to be chivalrous and buy and pick it up for her, don’t. First of all, the girl needs to be present to actually even get your hands on it, so a late night drunken scramble to CVS alone is not advised. And I’m not entirely sure what you morally depraved TFM readers are into, but she also needs to be at least 17 years old. Just thought you all should know.

Pulling Out- Because You Live on the Edge

Once considered the most careless and risky way to go about birth control, recent studies have shown that pulling out can actually rival condoms in effectiveness. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call “music to my ears.” Sure, you don’t get the whole STD protection thing, but for most cases all you need for that is a shower and a quick dose of antibiotics and you’re clean as a sexual whistle.

Pulling out also offers the irreplaceable satisfaction of a porn-shoot style “finishing touch,” and it’s hard to beat the feeling of dominance as you stand over your penis-juiced princess. If you don’t have a condom, and don’t have a problem with it, then by all means piledrive away.

Condoms- “Going Swimming!” in a Submarine

Imagine your life as a tiny little sperm. You spend your life happily moseying along the testicular playgrounds, when suddenly a piercing alarm sounds. It’s time for action, and you wiggle your little tail as fast as you can towards the shafted exit. Suddenly, a giant moist rubbery wall blocks your path, and you suffocate slowly and painfully with your brethren in a claustrophobic reservoir tip.

Sounds awful doesn’t it? Yet this doesn’t even begin to convey the unfortunate and unexciting thought of sex with a condom. Unfortunately, sometimes you aren’t going to have a choice. If 3AM comes and goes, and the only girls still standing are Ravenous Cock Gobblers, you might want to take the sexual safe road and wrap it up.

Sex with a condom is at the very best average. Sure, if you don’t have any other options it’s a large improvement of a self-employed handy, but if the raw dog can be achieved with a relative feeling of safeness, I say go for it. Note: TotalFratMove does not endorse unsafe sex, and will not be held responsible for any unwanted diseases, pregnancies, or child support claims that result from these statements.

Abstinence- Saving Yourself for Disappointment

“The only safe sex is no sex at all.” Throughout my Catholic school years I’ve been repeatedly given this mantra with the emotional equivalent of a surgical tube force-fed up my nostril. While it is true that abstinence is technically the only surefire form of birth control, it’s also by far the least fun.

While many self-proclaimed abstinents will circumvent their sexual avoidance tendencies with a casual run through bases one through three with their partners. Blowjobs are great, and I’ve never in my life turned one down, but the simple fact is you just can’t beat good old fashioned P in V interaction.

The abstinent masses may hold on to their ecstatic hope that they’re saving themselves for “the one,” but let’s put a little more thought behind this. If you were trying to make it to the NBA, would you wait for the first tryout to ever attempt dribbling a basketball? If I’m like anyone else, that first time was more than a little awkward, and this would especially be the case if you also happened to be old as fuck and married for that initial penetration.

I know the odds of me convincing someone to embrace rambunctious sexual behavior is unlikely. Hell, I’m sure that the only abstinent people that even read this site are the sweaty hormonal highschoolers who can’t wait to “frat so hard” once they get to college. But I’ll be damned if it wasn’t worth a try.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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