The TSM Intern Is A Friggin’ Bitch, Man

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office romance

That’s right, I said it. She’s the worst.

I’ll start off with saying that I’m a TFM intern and a pretty suave guy, capable of holding his own with the ladies. I’ve got a full head of hair, interesting things to say, am well-read, like sports, have traveled outside of my home state, and have a joke or two up my sleeve. Being the Adonis that I am, I’m not sure how a woman couldn’t appreciate everything I bring to the table. But TSM Intern has turned that notion on its head, and in all the most humiliating ways possible, because apparently a man’s dignity means nothing anymore.

So I might have made a mistake or two. I got nervous when I met her, and went in for this weird bro hug type of thing, to which she bristled and slowly backed away. Not a great introduction, but I could salvage a perfectly cooked in-flight meal from that downed Malaysia Air plane. I had this in the bag. I put some distance between me and her, and gave her enough time to forget about that initial awkward interaction. At about noon that day, I invited her out to lunch. She respectfully declined, saying that she’d already made plans with other people. Fair enough. I asked if she was free for lunch the next day, and, wouldn’t you know it, your boy was going on a hot lunch date in 24 hours. I didn’t sleep that night.

Fast forward to The Lunch Date, when I took her to a place that showed I had money, but wasn’t trying to show off: Chili’s. I started up the conversation by saying I got so mad in the traffic on the way there, I could have run somebody over. Turns out her sister frickin’ died in that exact fashion, so there were like four minutes of deafening silence after that. Needless to say, I could not wait for the apps from our 2 for 20 deal to arrive. I was relieved when the chips and guac arrived, as I had already downed four beers in order to prove how manly I was. Plenty of chips and two more beers later, lunch was served.

She was still being kind of standoffish, which definitely wasn’t exacerbated by the fact that I ended up having to leave my car at Chili’s and take a taxi back to the office with her — right according to plan. I was going to ride this buzz until she offered for me to come home with her, but Dorn sent me home at 2 for being wasted, and I had to get another cab. I’ve had a lot of embarrassing moments at this internship, but this one was especially painful. So what if I was “disrupting the work environment” and “wouldn’t stop taking my shirt off?” I was in love.

The next day, things really got in motion. I casually flirted with TSM Intern all day, and I swear she even smiled at me once. It might have been because Dorn told her that she had already written more quality content in two days than I had in two weeks, though. He’s got jokes, I’ll give him that. Over the rest of the work week, I was coy and methodical in my approach, negging the shit out of that girl. I would tell her she looked pretty, only to follow it up with some boss insults. I never went too over-the-top, as I wouldn’t want to jeopardize all that we had.

Thursday night, I stayed up watching all the Rocky films, even Rocky V. I needed the motivation to finally ask Ali out, but I stayed up so late that I ended up oversleeping and missing the first four hours of work. I calmly explained this to Dorn, and he told me that me missing work probably didn’t make any difference at all, and that I should just stay home. What a jokester. I headed in to work early that afternoon, and finally did it: I asked her on a date. When she rolled her eyes and said “Fine,” I was completely overtaken with more joy and wonder than ever before — and this is coming from a guy who has seen Criss Angel perform live north of six times.


Ali canceled on me, saying she was feeling sick. I know she wasn’t sick because I saw her at Planet Fitness later! She’s a friggin’ bitch, man.


Ali responded to me.

Image via Shutterstock

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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