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Another week, another dump of the week’s hottest shit stories. Oh, you thought after last week’s first edition The Weekly Dump would just be a one-and-done thing? No, no, no, my friends. I’m committed to staying hot on that scat beat from now until at least next Christmas (or until the TFM editors realize that I’ve been writing a weekly poop column and immediately give it the axe. Whichever comes first).
Don’t think that writing this stuff is easy. I constantly need to be keeping my head on a swivel. You know, just in case anyone here catches me typing “poop” into the Google search bar, and it makes them really uncomfortable, and then they take it up with HR, and not only do I get fired but I also get banned from the premises, which would suck since my favorite Subway is also in the building, so then I would have to go to my second favorite Subway, which is like a 20-minute drive from my apartment. I’m basically a war-zone correspondent. You’re welcome. I do it for the people. Anyway, on to that good good.
You Don’t Know Japanese… But ‘Professor Poop’ Can Help You Master The Language
The Japanese language is considered one of the most difficult in the world and it’s not surprising that even Japanese children have a hard time mastering the written form. But it is surprising that the number-one educational series this year is literally called Poop Kanji Drills (うんこ漢字ドリル).
The books cover all required kanji for each grade level — a total of 1,006 characters — from the first to sixth grade, and every single example sentence has a reference to poop. An anthropomorphic yellow poop with glasses and a mustache adorns each cover, Professor Poop (うんこ博士 ), and the books are in every bookstore and widely displayed. By the end of September, they had sold over 2,760,000 copies nationwide.
Ever since Tarō Gomi published the groundbreaking children’s book Everybody Poops back in 1977 — a fun fact you probably remember from last week’s installment — the Japanese have established themselves as trailblazers in poop-based education. This Professor Poop phenomenon only serves to further exemplify that fact.
We Americans could learn a thing or two from the Japanese when it comes to our education system. Just imagine if back when you were learning basic math, you had Professor Poop teaching you instead of boring Mrs. Johnson. You’d probably be finishing up your graduate’s degree at Johns Hopkins instead of taking precalculus for the fifth time at the University of Phoenix. Take notes, Betsy DeVos.
A little poop goes a long way to help incubate life in Martian soil
Wieger Wamelink, a University of Wageningen biologist, has been working on growing plants in the soil, which they’ve called Mars 1A, since 2013. In a recent experiment, his team tested whether adding a swine poop slurry fertilizer and earthworms to this type of soil would improve crop growth. Fertilizer adds nutrients to the soil and earthworms take some of those nutrients and break them down further as they eat the dirt and excrete even more nutrients. They also dig tiny tunnels that allow water to reach roots more easily. On Mars, astronauts would have to make their own fertilizer (likely in the form of their own poop), and water for their crops.
Now this is some biology everyone should be able to get behind. Now, I know they call Mars “The Red Planet,” but they should probably start calling it the Brown Planet after this game-changing revelation.
Seriously though, just imagine how cocky these astronauts are going to be after Mars becomes an inhabitable colony. I mean, it would be hard not to let taking the most important shits in human history get to your head. What’d you do, flush your poop down the toilet like a normal? Yeah? Well, these heroes are sustaining an entire planet with their shits. Absolutely incredible stuff.
Surgery leaves woman ‘drowning in her own poo’
From New York Post:
Kelly Yeoman is “drowning in her own poo” and desperate for treatment to save her life.
Her organs are barely noticeable in an X-ray as her chest cavity fills with feces, leaving her struggling to breathe.
Now her family and friends in the UK are desperately crowdfunding for her to receive private treatment for her condition, saying their “happy, strong and determined” friend is barely recognizable.
Yeoman, 34, has spent the last 11 weeks in Southmead Hospital in Bristol, England, vomiting her own poo after she claims a surgeon damaged her bowel during a routine surgery.
No funny quip or observation about this one. This is fucking terrible. Jesus Christ..
Image via Pixabay