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The Weekly Would You Rather: Don’t Let Them Eat Cake

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Sometimes it’s good to shop around and see if other people have the same answers as you do to life’s toughest questions. Every week, I’ll respond to the best “would you rather” questions that are either tweeted at me (@DeVryGuy) or emailed to me at Here are my answers to this week’s questions.

Haha, thanks for the submission, man. This question actually doesn’t really apply to me. See, I already have a 27-inch penis. Therefore, not only do I already have an arm-sized dick, I also have dick-sized arms. It’s a blessing and a curse, really. I have to go around correcting people when they say “wow Jared, check out your third leg,” because it’s really my third arm. The only difference between it and my real arms is that instead of holding things, it gets held. It’s a TFM.

But if I was going to this completely objectively, I’m picking an arm-sized dick. It’s working out pretty well for me so far. Haha. Ha.


Now this one needed some clarification, because some people would say that handjobs, blowjobs, footjobs, nostriljobs, and elbowcreasejobs count as sex.

Is there something I’m missing here? It seems to me like this question is asking me if I’d rather masturbate for the rest of my life, or only be able to stick my flaccid penis into women for the rest of my life. What’s the point of getting laid if you can’t get hard?

Anybody who chooses “never get hard again” is an absolute sociopath. The only thing you would receive from limpdicking girls the rest of your life is the internal satisfaction you’d get from knowing you banged a girl. But did you even really bang her, though? That’s a huge grey area. It’s like telling people you got an inside-the-park home run in baseball when in reality you only got it because of a fielder’s error. Sure, you hit the ball and scored, but it’s not as cool as you’re making it out to be.

Then again, when you never get laid like me, this one’s even more of a no-brainer. It’s like asking me if I’d rather masturbate for the rest of my life or never masturbate again.

Didn’t want to answer three dick questions in one week, but this is a question that has been making the rounds lately, so I thought I’d give my two cents on it.

The real wildcard here is the cake. Rephrased, your options are as follows:

1. Take a dick in your ass, but you get to eat cake during the ordeal.

2. Suck a dick.

If I’m sucking a dude’s dick, my seating arrangement would be the least of my worries. I could be butt-ass naked, sitting with my b-hole firmly planted on the exit hole of a recently agitated fire ant pile, and my location would still not even crack my top 10 worries at that time.

So the real question is this: Would I rather get buttfucked or mouthfucked, and, if I chose the latter, does the addition of a nice slice of cake to the former change my decision?

My answer: I’m gonna take a load off and sit down on that cake while having a load set off in my mouth. I fear prostate exams, and choosing to sit on a dick in any regard, even if it comes with the promise of cake, would be like getting your ass fingered by Andre the Giant. Like I said in the first edition of The Weekly Would You Rather, I’m taking that load.

Check out last week’s edition of The Weekly Would You Rather: Cheeto Fingers.

Image via Shutterstock

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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