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The other day, I was watching a marathon of Impractical Jokers on Tru TV when the remote tragically slipped from my hands and switched onto the news. From the brief news clips I overheard while looking for the clicker in between couch cushions, one thing was for sure: It is a scary time to be alive. Cops are being murdered, horrendous terrorist attacks seem to happen as often as reruns of Two and a Half Men are aired, and the two major party presidential candidates are less favorable than if an actual elephant and jackass were nominated. That is why I have devised a simple yet elegant solution that, while not capable of solving the world’s problems overnight, will certainly help remind us that we are more alike than different.
Wear Hawaiian shirts more often.
Let’s start with the obvious: Hawaiian shirts are comfortable. And I’m not talking some bullshit “even though I’m wearing a condom this still feels kinda good” comfort. I’m talking surfing through the clouds on a board made of an angel’s supple bosom comfort. Anyone who’s ever worn a proper thrift shop or hammy down Hawaiian knows that as soon as it is drooped over your shoulders and a wildly insufficient number of buttons are buttoned, all the cares in the world simply melt away, making it impossible to feel animosity towards anything or anyone. The Hawaiian puts you in the perfect state of mind to better appreciate your common man, thus making you think twice before pulling a Red Forman on the ass of some dude whose poor attempt at the robot knocked that dollar cup of PBR out of your hand.
Furthermore, for a reason that continues to baffle science to this day, the fairer sex finds Hawaiian shirts remarkably sexy. Maybe it’s the confidence you gain from wearing such a stunning creation or maybe it’s the fact that the Hawaiian perfectly accentuates your varsity athlete turned varsity alcoholic physique, but regardless of the reason it is clear as day that men who wear Hawaiian shirts more frequently get laid more often, both improving their lives and providing minor pleasure to their female partners via 90 seconds of offbeat thrusting. Sexy and comfortable are two words rarely used in the same sentence (unless we’re talking about my leopard print Crocs), but they are one in the same when discussing Hawaiians and as such are clearly supplements to the human race and the world as a whole.
Finally, the Hawaiian shirt is the great American equalizer. Just look at the Rowdy Gentleman American Flag Hawaiian. Whether you are rich or poor, six-pack or beer belly, Jimmy Buffett fan or Jimmy Buffett fan, the flowing design of the Hawaiian puts everyone on a level playing field, forcing us to look past our physical differences and admire the comfortable yet stylish garb that the person next to you is wearing. Hawaiian shirts break down barriers in a way politics, religion, and the final season of Lost never could, reminding us all that deep down we are all just a bunch of fun loving people in need of cold beers and good friends. Now that’s a world I could see myself in..