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You’ll have to forgive me if this column comes off with a slightly angrier tone than usual, but after last week’s Fail Friday I’ve listened to Carly Rae Jepsen’s enough times to make my ears bleed profusely.
For those that are deaf or who have somehow mystically avoided this pop phenom (please, tell us your secret), “Call Me Maybe” is a catchy pop hit from recording “artist” Carly Rae Jepsen that has spread across the country faster than your chapter’s legendary chlamydia epidemic of ‘02.
Now there is seldom a day you don’t hear the annoyingly upbeat chorus blasting at local bars, where the timeless voices of Ronnie Van Zant and Hank Williams Jr. once soothed you into a state of drunken stupor. Anywhere one of those fancy touch screen jukeboxes lay, you can expect at least 8 drunk girls plugging in Jepsen’s ballad to mediocrity per night.
Possibly the worst part of this song’s existence is its innate power to make every female within a 500 foot radius to sing along as loudly as their lungs will allow, and even the occasional dude will join in the painfully simple hook. If you’re that guy, please do us all the favor and look into experimental testicular removal surgery, because you clearly don’t deserve them.
Also, guys, while I’m really surprised that I have to point this out, it is in fact extremely feminine of you to make a goofy video of yourself singing this song. It seems like every bottom-tier in the country has put together a rendition of their own for the entire e-world to judge. And judging we are. I wouldn’t even make pledges dance to this song. I’m all for ruthless hazing, but that’s just cruel and unusual punishment.
It’s not often that I ask things of my readers, but this song is so excruciatingly mediocre that I feel like something needs to be done. Anytime you hear the unmistakable intro riff, make it your personal mission to pick a new song that is less likely to cause permanent hearing loss. Literally any other song would do. I would rather listen to LMFAO “Party Rock Anthem” in slow motion on repeat while getting an electric charge run through my dick than hear “Call Me Maybe” one more time.
To the girls who are going to berate me in the comments and on Twitter, I’m here to tell you personally that you should seriously consider improving your musical taste. No guy is going to be attracted to a girl belting out this Canadian hit full volume. Unless you want to end up with one of the fruits in the Fail Friday videos last week, I suggest you delete this atrocity from iTunes immediately.