If I’m being honest, I can’t verify whether or not these Boone’s Farm customer testimonials are real. Some of them seem too good to be true, but then I remember that these reviews are coming from people who claim to be regular drinkers of Boone’s Farm, and suddenly anything is believable. So here are the kind words those drinkers of fine, Kool-Aid flavored wine have about their favorite spirit.
“Nothing goes with sitting naked in the dark watching Golden Girls re-runs on mute while listening to REM’s “Everybody Hurts” like six or eight bottles of Boones.” – Michael (Syracuse, NY)
That sounds like the cover photo for a high school guidance counselor’s office pamphlet entitled “Are You Having Suicidal Thoughts?”
“Boones is that perfect drink when you’re ready to start drinking, but can’t handle the taste of beer, or the effect of liquor. It also has a magical effect many have encountered, yet few talk about. Many a nights at my friend Keith’s house did turn ugly women hot. Versus thousands of dollars on a facelift, ugly mugs should just buy men Boones.” – John (Dallas, TX)
“A guy named Keith’s basement” is to Boone’s Farm as a baseball stadium is to an ice cold beer. It’s just the natural location you’re supposed to consume them in.
“Back when I was in high school, we used to buy Boone’s farm on Wednesday nights when the blind guy was working at the liquor store. We had to drink it with straws to finish it before mom got home from Bingo.” – Ken (San Antonio, TX)
It doesn’t matter how blind that guy was, or how deep you made your voice to disguise your age, the moment the sightless liquor store cashier figured out you were buying Boone’s Farm, he knew you were 14.
“Boone’s Farm wine has always been my favorite wine, it outbeats those expensive wines!” – Cheri
“I love Boone’s Farm cause it gets you drunk and then you can make bad decisions and wake up with a headache.” – Sara (Bloomington, IN)
That pretty much sums up the product.
“I enjoy drinking Boone’s Farm in the dark by myself… Well, my dogs are there and my wife is upstairs asleep.” – Josh (San Marcos, TX)
Secret serial killer.
“I remember drinking Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine in High School while I was dating a guy named Randy. He drank MD 20/20 while driving. Good Times!” – Sandie [Josh’s mom]
Anyone who rides in a car that their boyfriend drinks MD 20/20 in while driving also probably got pregnant in that car.
“Boone’s Farm was the first thing I ever drank. I was 13 or 14. When my mom found me the next morning, my head was over the toilet because I was scared of chokin on my own puke. – Dianne (Laredo, TX)
But really, Boone’s Farm is liquor for children.
“Boone’s Farm has made my young adulthood glorious!! My first child was conceived while drinking Boone’s fabulous Strawberry Hill.” – Kelly
Conceived in a car?
“My friends and I love the Boone’s. Strawberry Hill was a staple during our trip to Myrtle Beach this Summer, and, as a result, one of us ended up pissing his pants in a drug store…and a liquor store…and our hotel room.” – Dave (Greensburg, PA)
Your mistake was that you kept giving your friend more Boone’s Farm to piss out in public after the drug store.
“I have loved Boone’s Farm since I was 14! Now I am 28. . . Go put your hoighty toighty merlots and chardonays away.” – Elaina (South Omaha, NE)
Yeah. Get that fancy schmancy Yellow Tail out of here, you once percenter pussies.
“When the wife and I have a party, and we bring out the Boone’s people say ‘Do they still make that? I drank that in High School’ and I tell them that it still taste just as good.” – Greg
Their parties = gathering at the trailer park’s community BBQ pit.
I admit, I enjoy me some Boone’s Farm as well. I like to pour myself a glass Blueberry Bubblegum Chardonnay when I get home from work and start cooking…meth.