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There’s A Fat Guy Running Around Madison, Wisconsin Rubbing His Weiner On Random Girls’ Butts

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Residents of Madison, Wisconsin are currently experiencing the wrath of the most depraved, crooked individual they’ve encountered since I went back there for homecoming this past October.

According to a campus alert sent out today, some fatso is going around late at night and rubbing all up against some very unlucky ladies, presumably using his dong to commit the crime.

From the University of Wisconsin-Madison:

Screen Shot 2015-12-21 at 2.47.26 PM

While the report leaves open the possibility that there is more than one culprit at large, I think it’s pretty clear from the similar nature of the crimes, their locations (three blocks away from each other on the same street), and their timing (16 minutes apart) that there is only one OTPDRBB (over the pants dick rub by butt) enthusiast on the loose. Which leaves one question remaining…

The first victim reports that the suspect was wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt and jeans. She reported that the suspect had the hood pulled over his head. The second victim reports that the suspect was highly intoxicated wearing a black zip-up coat with a white t-shirt under the coat and jeans. She stated that the t-shirt the suspect was wearing had with some type of writing on it.

How did he change outfits so quickly???

There are a few possibilities, but I think the most likely is that we’re dealing with one of those quick change magicians.

I’m not entirely sure, though — usually those are a two-part operation. This crafty lunatic did just managed to sexually assault two women within 16 minutes, however, so we can’t underestimate the potential magnitude of his weirdness. I’m imagining him committing the first crime, running over to a pile of leaves, throwing them over his head, quick changing as the leaves fall down over him, and sprinting three blocks away to scout out his next victim. Could this be a lead? Probably not, but it’s a theory.

Let’s nab this fatty.

[via the University of Wisconsin-Madison]

Image via YouTube

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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