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These Uber Drivers Are Getting Too Cocky

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Uber was an amazing and incredibly innovative invention. On top of that, since Uber became super popular, the amount of drunk driving accidents have statistically gone down at a dramatic rate. Also, don’t research that because I just made it up and I have no idea if it’s true.

Invented by Elon Musk and Bill Gates in 2011, the hugely popular app was eventually sold to Mark Zuckerberg (the CEO of Apple) for upwards of trillions of dollars. None of that is true, either.

But I digress. The point is that just a few years ago, Uber was in a stiff, close competition with the taxi industry. But that was a couple of years ago. It’s a new world and to misquote the legendary rapper Bob Dylan “the times are kind of changing a little bit.” Uber won the war, and taxis are suffering like MC Hammer after tax season. Nailed that relevant pop culture reference. It’s not really even a competition anymore.

Uber has bludgeoned the taxi industry to death with a rusty pipe and is peeing on its corpse at the funeral. In a way that’s bad. Because back before uber won “Uber v. Taxi: Dawn Of Justice,” the Uber drivers had some goddamn humility. Those were the good old days. They’d pick you up, they’d act all polite. Hell, sometimes they’d even kiss your ass and throw a cold water bottle or a bag of skittles your way. But the game done changed. Have you seen these Uber drivers lately?

Who the fuck do these people think they are?

These sons of bitches have become ruder and cockier than Kanye on crack and God dammit I’m sick of it. They’re quiet politeness has been mysteriously replaced with snappy comments with a side of snarky attitudes. Sickening.

The other day I called an Uber so I could get a ride to a cool little trendy Santa Monica bar called It-Doesnt-Even-Matter-Nor-Is-It-Relevant-To-This-Article. He called me and told he was there. So I went outside to the parking lot of my apartment but this arrogant bastard was nowhere to be seen. I called him and told him he wasn’t there, and he said “Yes I am.” So I reiterated “No, you’re not.” He retorted by repeating those 3 little words “Yes I am.” I disagreed because obviously… I know where I live. What does he think is gonna happen. Am I gonna look around and realize “Oh damn, I’m at the wrong apartment.”

It goes beyond that. Irritating, nosy small talk while you’re trying to listen to a new 2 Chainz album with your headphones, going on unprompted, pretentious rants explaining their political views. The list goes on and on and on. Have they no humility? Have they forgotten where they came from? Despicable. These people need to be taken down a peg or two.

There’s only one solution: we need to rise up against these bastards. How? From now on, hold in ALL your farts, and ONLY release them when you’re inside an Uber. Let them know who’s boss. This means war.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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