Things That Can Go Wrong On Your First Alumni Trip

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This last weekend, some of the other alumni and I did our first chapter alumni trip, ever. We’re a young chapter on our campus, so prior to this year, 1,000 dollar weekends away were not really feasible for most of our guys. Hell, they still aren’t feasible for me because my job hasn’t started yet, but you work with what you’ve got. It was certainly an experience. We went to a very nice hotel and casino in Atlantic City and proceeded to turn back into our 21-year-old selves for two nights. It was pure chaos.

I learned a few key pitfalls this weekend that should be avoided. Keep these in mind when you go out on your first big trip with the other alumni.

Blacking Out In A Place That Has Gambling

For some reason, a lot of alumni trips seem to be to places with casinos and gambling. I’ve talked to other friends in other chapters, and it seems to be a common theme. Maybe it’s because casinos are one of the few places that tolerate the kind of debauchery we were able to participate in during college on a similar level to what we were used to. Maybe it’s just because you get most of the vices and deadly sins all in one place. Maybe we’re just drunk assholes and casinos are drunk asshole Meccas. Probably all three. The result is bad, though. I was physically limited by the amount of funds in my bank account, which is the only thing that kept me from gambling all of my life savings this last weekend. Otherwise, I would have been dropping money like Hunter S. Thompson dropped acid.

Don’t black out in the hotel, or the casino if you can avoid it, but absolutely do not do it at the club. One of my pledge brothers did, and the next thing I knew, hotel security was wheeling him back into the room in a wheelchair. I probably shouldn’t have given him too much shit over it, because he got me back with…

Most Places You Go For Alumni Trips Have Call Girls And You Could Accidentally Go Home With One

Full disclosure: I did not. I came very, very close, though. Like, we were walking back to the room, she casually dropped that bomb on me, and I broke things off right there.

My pledge brother had figured this out, but I was blitzed and not really thinking clearly. We were at the bar and got to talking to this chick, who has seven years my senior. I figured she was just looking for some strapping young man to take her home for the night. I was wrong, at least partially. The whole thing ended with a kind of awkward “I don’t pay for sex” exchange, and me making a joke about my parents not appreciating me putting an escort on the American Express. It ended well enough, but I’ll be hearing Pretty Woman jokes until the day I die.

Postgrad Trips Are Like Formal, Without Dates, And The Legal Consequences Are Real

Luckily, no one died or was arrested. That is the sign of a successful alumni trip. That, and hopefully winning some money. I lost my metaphorical shirt off my back this weekend, but that was the worst of it. On these trips, it’s more important than ever to keep an eye on your brothers. Guys will lose some tolerance over their years out of the game, but will inevitably try and rage like the recent grads. Keep an eye on them, and fulfill your brotherly duties so you don’t have to bail some poor asshole out of the pokey the next morning. The same goes for guys getting lost. They haven’t changed. Now they just have thousands of dollars to help facilitate their escapes. Keep them in check, lest they accidentally book themselves a trip to Europe to “show those Europeans the meaning of freedom,” or some other drunken agenda. You don’t want to essentially re-create The Hangover series every time you take a trip like this.

So, we all survived our first alumni trip no worse for wear, except maybe the 12-hour hangover I sustained. It was a great way to catch up with all the friends I’d lost touch with over the last few years. Thank God we only plan to do them every six months or so, though. To paraphrase Danny Glover, I’m getting too old for this shit…every weekend.


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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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