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Things That Will Probably Happen in Your Closed Fraternity House This Summer

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Actives Still in Town Will Get Shitfaced and Destroy Things

The fraternity house may be closed, but that doesn’t mean people don’t have access to it. First and foremost among those people are the active members of the house still in town for the summer. It’s not important to know how they’re getting in, just that they’re there, and hammered. Again though, it’s not even important that they’re hammered. Of course they’re hammered. What’s important is that as far as they’re concerned; if the house is closed then there are no house rules. Drink anywhere, do everything, break anything.

During school they might have to think twice about throwing something off the roof of the house. Someone might notice. Maybe an uppity Exec Board member would get them in trouble. But in the summer 17 Natty Lights, a thing of lighter fluid, and a lit cigarette means someone’s going to use that lighter fluid to spell out the house’s letters in the parking lot and then drop the cig on it, Mel Gibson in “Payback” style. It’ll be a hell of a Tuesday.

People Who Are in No Way Affiliated With the Fraternity Will Take Random Dumps in the House

Inevitably at some point during the summer a fraternity’s housing board is going to have some repairmen stop by. It’s a fraternity house so the reasons why they could be there are innumerable. Either that or the cable company is coming by to undo all the porno channel stealing you all have been doing. Regardless, since no one else is there the repairman is probably going to take a few liberties. Maybe he’ll kick his feet up and watch one of his relatives take a paternity test on the Maury Povich show. Maybe he’ll take a fucking nap. But one thing’s for sure, he’s going to take a dump. Dude’s moving from place to place all day, his only options for dropping a work deuce are the fraternity house or the hepatitis stained toilet seats of some shitty gas station. You might be thinking to yourself “but fraternity house bathrooms aren’t exactly clean either.” I know, don’t worry; he’s taking that shit in the women’s room.

There’s also a possibility that a can collecting hobo finds a cracked door and sneaks inside to squeeze out the two day old value meal he ate that morning. To be honest you should just be happy that he isn’t releasing his bloody stool into your fireplace. Another person who might be dropping unauthorized deuces is the confused Asian who lost their way from campus and desperately needs to use the bathroom. Again, if they find a random open door they’ll rush in and go all Pearl Harbor on the nearest toilet bowl. If school were in session someone would have been there to stop him from coming into the house. But since no one’s there to point the confused man in a foreign land back to the street, where he would wander for another few minutes before obviously sharting and slinking away, he’ll gleefully use your facilities all the while wondering why there is an abandoned mansion with free toilets so close to campus.

The House Ghost Will Watch TV

Okay, not everyone has a house ghost. There are however many fraternity houses that are purported to be haunted. This is because a lot of fraternity houses are really old. I remember walking up to my fraternity house during the summer, punching in the code at the door, and hearing the faint sounds of the Montel Williams show playing from the TV room. Unfortunately by the time I got inside the TV was off and our daytime TV junkie ghost was long gone. With nothing to do the house ghosts have got to be bored. I just assume that during the summer fraternity house ghosts randomly appear from thin air, see no one around, sigh, and disappear. Maybe try stopping some of those bums from taking craps in the fireplace Goddammit.

An Alumnus Will Stop By to Show His Legacy Son the House and They Will See Something Unfortunate

The possibilities here are endless. If they get there early enough in the morning they might find one of the actives who raged the night before still passed out half naked with a cock drawn on his back and a bucket full of a regurgitated bourbon/taco mix next to his face. They’ll probably find at least one garden-variety mess left behind by the actives that routinely get fucked up in the house over the summer. I’m thinking something along the lines of sixty empties, a chair halfway through the drywall, a condom on a door knob that they try to open, and maybe a knocked over bong leaking bong water onto the carpet. Worst case scenario they find a frightened Asian man with soiled pants who’s been lost in the house for two days, perpetually tormented by the otherwise unoccupied house ghost.

A Government Official Will Get Angry at a Banner You Hang Up

Usually when I say “government official” I mean police officer, and usually when I say “banner” I mean bed sheet spray painted with the words “EAT A DICK FINALS!” But sometimes these scenarios are a little more high class… sort of. Take, for example, the situation that recently unfolded at my alma mater, Mizzou.

Republican challenger Dave Spence hung a campaign banner last week on a new house being built for Beta Theta Pi, where Spence is an alumnus

A day later, fraternity chapter counselor Jason Swindle said he got a phone call from the fraternity’s national office in Ohio saying that Nixon communications director Sam Murphey had contacted the office to suggest that the political banner could jeopardize the tax-exempt status of a fraternity foundation and should come down.

Glad that priority threat to the campaign was neutralized as quickly as possible. I guess it technically doesn’t hurt you if you’re being a dick to people who weren’t going to vote for you anyway. Thank God all those students who aren’t at Mizzou right now (you know, since it’s summer) won’t be swayed by that partisan banner. In all honesty I’m not even sure they would have noticed the banner since it was hanging from the gigantic, brand new Beta house, which from what I’ve heard is to fraternity houses what Jerry World is to NFL stadiums. But congratulations Jay Nixon, that’s an impressive level of pettiness.

In actuality I’m pretty sure that Jay Nixon barely knew what was going on. Rather it was mostly the work of some Nixon campaign busybody looking to earn a gold star. But rules are rules. Besides, fraternities make a living on getting by on technicalities; it’d be sort of ironic to complain about having to abide by one. Either way though, what a pointless action to take.

My Twitter account is inexplicably suspended but, uh, I guess follow me when it comes back.

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