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This Columbia Sigma Chi Looking For A Formal Date Can Take My Sister If No One Steps Up

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Once in every generation, there comes a man who stands alone among the pack. A man who is set apart from those who simply try. This is a man who does. And what does he do? He achieves excellence.

Columbia University Instagram user @nedbathandbeyond is one of those men. His name is presumably Edward Roche (according to his online ordination certificate) and he is a member of the Columbia chapter of the Sigma Chi Fraternity.

A brief survey of Nedward’s Instagram reveals a life of sublime refinement, packed to the brim and overflowing with examples of his peerless success. Along with being an ordained minister, Ned has pictures of himself serving his country as an Army Ranger, posing with a basket of puppies, supporting local law enforcement, being a godfather, rocking washboard Jesus abs in a cathedral, and showing an interest in European travel and cultural appreciation.

So that’s why it boggles the mind and tickles the curiosity nuggets to learn that this stone cold killer is seemingly without a date to his formal on December 12.

What world are we living in where a guy with THAT mustache and THAT mermaid tail who’s also a fucking ARMY RANGER has to sling fliers on the street to attract a suitable mate? Men like Nedward usually require a full time secretary and verification staff just to handle the unceasing flow of applications for interested strange.

Ned’s poster lists some of his qualities as being “PTSD free, 28 years old, strong enough to un-install your window unit and slightly endowed with a big heart.” So right there we have maturity, compassion, and skills at repairing appliances — things ladies are always telling me that they want when they leave me for Ned. The combination of all this in a single package is something you won’t find in a million Tinders.

Nedward’s requirements by comparison are slim and generous: “photogenic, age 21, and not crazy.” Just be prepared to also answer his riddle to prove your worthiness: “What belongs to you but others use it more than you do?” In my case, it’s the frozen pizzas I buy and stash in the house fridge for late night binges that fucking Terrance always eats before I can get to them. (Fuck you, Terry).

If you are a female Columbia student who fits these categories and has always dreamed of spending a night at a fraternity formal with a dude who may literally be a Greek God, message @NedBathandBeyond before December 12th! This is a chance you cannot afford to pass up. The dude will even pay for your Uber.

As for you Ned, you stay classy, you unconquerable stallion.

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Doctor Franzia

*Not qualified to practice medicine*

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