Before you watch this video, let me set the scene. We’ve got the Tyumen Legion (white) — presumably, a Russian youth hockey powerhouse — taking on Yugra (blue) in the Ural Challenge junior hockey tournament. The boys from Tyumen are absolutely rolling right now, with a confident 5-3 lead late in the third period. At this point, you have to believe that the coach for Yugra is in a bind: does he tell the team to just finish out the game and take the loss with dignity, or should he spark an Eastern-European version of the Malice in the Palace? Seeing as the losing team will most likely spend the rest of their lives in a Gulag anyway, Coach Бесфамильный (presumably his name) makes the call.
I have two takeaways from watching Hunger Games on Ice.
1. We are fucked in World War III. Did this video bring back memories of fist-fights with your teammates in your YMCA Tee-ball league? Fuck no it didn’t. We took our orange slices and Gatorade, and if there was any sort of altercation, it was immediately ended by 1-2 dads in cargo shorts and Sketchers. Things are different in Russia. There’s a pretty good chance at least one of these kids was drunk, seeing as the drinking age in Russia is ~4 months, and if you think that there was any remorse from any one of these kids, you are dead wrong. These are stone-cold motherfuckers. When the refs ended one fight, they started a larger, more violent fight 20 feet to the right. Did you see the refs after they broke up the first fight? They were done, that was it. They just stood there as the carnage ensued, dumbfounded by the violence they were witnessing. If I’m in North Korea in 2022 fighting WW3, and I see #33, #47, and #69 (nice) charging at me, drunk as shit, with guns, I’m gonna be scared for my life.
2. We need WAY more youth league fights. I know this sounds cruel, but hear me out. You’re 37. Your fat wife Sandy tells you to take your five-year-old to his soccer game. You groan and complain because youth soccer is terrible to watch. But alas, not only is your wife Sandy fat, she’s also a bitch, so she yells at you. So you’re in you 2014 Honda Odyssey, listening to the Moana soundtrack, and you pull up to the fields, only to see that the head coach is nowhere to be found. Since the other parents saw you wearing a Team USA soccer shirt the other day, you are forced to be the head coach. The game is a shit-show until something beautiful happens: your son, your pride and joy, rocks a defender with a haymaker after being pushed. Chaos ensues, and children are just throwing hands. You quickly realize that this is quite literally the greatest moment of your life, and pull out your Cricket Wireless iPhone 5. You upload the clip online, it goes viral, you get to meet Ellen, you make millions, you divorce your fat, bitch wife Sandy, and you travel the world with your son. Sounds like a pretty good situation, huh? Even if all that doesn’t happen, you get to watch children fistfight, and that’s always a good time..