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This Is How You Take A Stripper Home

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Two DEA Agents Used To Run Strip Club Where Patrons Could Bang Their Illegal Immigrant Strippers

You’ve all thought about what it’d be like to take home a stripper. And I would bet a small fortune many of you have tried and failed miserably. I, on the other hand, have mastered this fine art and currently hold a record shattering 3/11 success rate. Those type of odds are great for just normal hookups but in a setting like a strip club, they’re really something special.

Trying to have sex with a stripper is a delicate dance that requires finesse, patience, and, most importantly, a touch of self-control. You can’t just walk into a strip club and expect a home run. Every single guy before you and after you has and will proposition these girls on promises of the world if they would just fuck them. They’ve heard it all and are not fazed by your dad’s Mercedes or your massive micro dick. They’re at work and they’re there to make money. But if you follow this manual, it might just give you an advantage over the competition.

Never go to the strip club by yourself. Ever.

A rookie mistake. That will have you branded as the desperate and slimy douche that lives in his parents’ basement and saves up all of his gas station cashier money in order to get a girl to touch his member. Believe me, even in the cover of that baby blue polo and peach five-inch inseams masked by your dad’s cologne, every girl will automatically know you’re an easy target to get milked. You will give away all of your money and all you’ll have to show for it is the calendar they gave away as a midnight lap dance special as you walk out with your head down in shame.

Always sit at the bar and bring a couple brothers.

Pretend like you’re at a normal bar and ask the bartender to throw on a game. Make sure your friends know the mission and are there as a team effort to bag you a trophy stripper. Nothing ruins a mission faster than a rogue soldier trying to outdo everyone else.
Order a pitcher, some appetizers. Yeah I know, strip club food at 0130, really? Yes, really. It’s not about the food, it’s about appearance. And who the fuck tries to land a stripper but is too good for strip club food? A guy that’s not getting laid, that’s who. Don’t be that guy.

Don’t get sidetracked from the mission.

Right around the hour mark as you’re having a grand time, drinking and ignoring all of the ass shaking, pussy snapping bodies in the background, the strippers begin to notice. As all the other degenerates pump dollars and make it rain like fools while aimlessly trying to get an OTPHJ, your group is starting to look good to that one stripper who still has a moral compass. A small part of the stripper’s brain begins to light up and ask, “Why haven’t I been able to siphon a single dollar from these guys?” Its science. At some point, a stripper will join you at the bar to investigate.

Make small talk.

Introduce yourself and your buddies. Order her a drink. She’ll say she can’t but will eventually start to sip on it. You kick some normal, average, no strip club related banter and and make a joke. “You know, I really like your g-string, I used to have one just like it until Kevin decided to make a slingshot out of it and ruined it.” Now she’s laughing with you as your buddy goes into a “remember that one time” mode and, if she’s not like the other 8/11 money hungry whores, she’ll engage and now you got her in your sights. This is where you ever so slightly begin to aim.

Go for the kill shot.

Invite her to a party. This is the close of a roughly two-hour expedition as her shift nears the end. If you’ve followed the manual so far, she sees you as non combatant; you’re a friendly. Just a normal guy hanging with his buds that party and have cool stories to tell. Although the party setting is ideal because it’s a low pressure invitation, if for some reason you never thought you’d get to this point and there is no party, throw up a hail mary and invite her and her friends back to your place for drinks. If she says no, don’t let it get to you.

Tell her it was nice to meet her and wait another 15 minutes before starting to pack it up. This will give her time to think and reconsider your offer while she replays what just happened. She was rejected in a place where she never gets rejected. This is how I got stripper number two. Remember, a stripper is a fragile being. You need to make her realize that she needs you more than you need her. Even though in reality you’re salivating harder than a lion at a three-legged gazelle.

Whether you succeed or not is not really the point here because you don’t go hunting and expect to always bag a 12-point buck. Sometimes it’s just about having a good time with your brothers and if that buck happens to mosey on over and sit next to you, well then bag, tag, and mount that baby on the wall. But if you put in the work and actually land one of these rare relationships, it will open doors that you would have never envisioned. One stripper is great but the gang of strippers she is friends with is even better.

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Back In My Days

Occasional asshole but always a gentleman.

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