As we all know, different regions of the country have refined their own unique versions of fraternity culture over the years. The South maintains a rather straight-laced, traditional vibe. The West Coast has embraced hair products, tank tops, and working out. The East Coast has a reputation for unabashedly preppy WASPyness. But somewhere along the way a subspecies hybrid with extreme levels of TFTC emerged. They sleep with their spoons, refuse to cut their flow, and still wear their middle school lacrosse jerseys. They are lax bros, and something about them is fucking hilarious.
Their demeanor is one of a slightly retarded crossbreed between surfers and headbangers, and they are really into Wayne’s World-esque humor. Every single one of them acts like that one guy you know that smoked way too much and never came back from Dumbass Land. Their reaction time to everything is only slightly quicker than what is required to earn a handicapped parking pass. Over the years, several cult classic comedy videos have surfaced as a result of their movement, and today we acknowledge some of the favorites.
Brantford Winstonworth: The Ultimate Lax Bro
Brantford is very affluent, but he only got into his school because his grandpa donated half the buildings, and his nasally voice screams “I’m overtly white.”
“People tell me, ‘Hey Brantford, what’s the deal with your outfit? Why you always gotta wear turf dogs, mid-calves, nice shorts, and a lax penny with croakies and a sweet pair of shades?'”
Ultimate Lax Bro II: “The Official Visit”
In this second installment of Ultimate Lax Bro, Brantford has his official visit to Syracuse, hits a fraternity party with Bert the Broker, and introduces the world to the term NARP: Non-Athlete Regular Person.
It should be noted that at the 1:17 mark he has a display comprised of PBR and “Point Break” on DVD.
The Flowbucket and Con Bro Chill
Now things are going to take a disturbing turn. A less chill, more intense version of the laxer known as Con Bro Chill introduces himself. If Malibu from American Gladiators fucked Wayne Campbell from Wayne’s World, their offspring would be Con Bro Chill. He says, “gnar” pretty often and might be on blow.
Fuck it. Let’s include Malibu so you can see the similarities for yourself:
To close out the column, here is Con Bro Chill’s smash hit single “Come to My Party.” I don’t give a fuck how NF he is. This video has leprechauns, boats, and favorable ratios.
Con Bro Chill- Come to My Party