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In the not so distant future, the once-immaculate college football legend Timothy Richard Tebow awakes in a daze at a podium in the center of an immense lake of fire. Every sleazy cellphone hacking, gossip seeking, tabloid fueling, sports hack journalist of the last 200 years stands around, pen and paper crushed between their fingers, ready to suck every answer out of Tim Tebow’s newly damned soul.
Tebow: Hello, uh, Ladies and Gentlemen. Good to be here and uh, I’m sorry, where am I again?
Old Timey Reporter: Timothy my boy! You’ve descended to the bastion of Beelzebub! The great lake of fire! Hades!
Tebow: Excuse me?
OD’d TMZ Photographer: You’re in hell bro.
Old Timey Reporter: You died, son. You ingested PCP with a prostitute and leapt in front of a large horseless carriage.
OD’d TMZ Photographer: He means you jumped in front of a bus, but yeah.
Tebow: So much for having faith in God if Angel Dust couldn’t even save me, amiright?
(*Nudges nearest person with his elbow*)
Tabloid Journo: Tim! Tim! So how do you feel having been damned to an eternity of suffering and repeat showings of “The Wicker Man?”
Tebow: Well, I’ve got to say that I’m proud to finally be a member of Satan’s demonic legions and I’m really looking forward to working hard every day and I promise to always keep getting better.
Tabloid Journo: How exactly did you get here Mr. Tebow? Do you remember the exact details?
Tebow: Well the last thing I remember we were driving hammered drunk through Manhattan at around 3AM while T-Swizzle was blowing a fat line of my dick. I guess at some point after that I ditched her for the hooker, took some Angel Dust and jumped in front of a bus but I don’t remember. Must’ve blacked out… again.
Gossip Columnist: Step back, Tim. What happened after you got traded to the Jets? Is that where you would say it all started to go downhill?
Tebow: Yeah absolutely. I went into the modern day Sodom with my guard up, ready to convert the sinners. It turned out they converted me. I never knew how much motherfucking fun I was missing out on before NYC. I mean, I used to spend my summers circumcising kids. Do you know how much more fun it is to have 40 people touch your dick everyday than it is to touch 40 dicks everyday? WAY MORE FUN! Speaking of which, if any of the prostitutes that drowned when I crashed my car off that pier are down here then, uh, hit me up.
Old Timey Reporter: So your morals went lickety split in the Big Apple then, eh?
Tebow: Definitely. Hell, between Rex Ryan’s impressive and surprisingly contagious gluttony and his side project foot-porn website my head coach pretty much converted me all on his own. I didn’t really start getting into pussy and drugs until I started hanging out with Sanchez though. We decided the best way to compete for the starting quarterback job was to see who could bang the most 17-year-old girls. Even though he was a natural I felt up the challenge.
We even pitched the idea to Coach Ryan, who LOVED it. Of course I lost that competition after Sanchez had that 5-way with some “Gossip Girl” extras, but whatever. At least I got to start dating Taylor Swift, and not long after that she released her 2014 hardcore gangster rap album. After she released the album we really got into the lifestyle and started smoking a shit ton of crack. We were smoking five rocks a day at one point. By then we had so much cocaine that I practically needed a snowmobile to get through my penthouse suite. One older coke dealer said I was the best thing to happen to him since Dwight Gooden.
Jay Mariotti: Who really got you into abusing drugs and alcohol?
Tebow: Jay Mariotti? What are you doing here? You died?
Jay Mariotti: No, no, I just come and go as I please. Now answer the question.
Tebow: Well it depends on which drugs you’re talking about I guess (*laughs*). No, just kidding you guys, I can’t really remember, other than Jeremy Lin getting me into opium, but the real party starter was Big Motherfucking Ben Roethlisberger. After a group of Southern Baptists beat and paralyzed Sanchez so I could get the starting job, the Jets traded five premium draft picks for the ‘Berger. Pittsburgh couldn’t refuse an offer to ship off ‘Berger’s fat ass since he was pretty much obese by then and we were an absolutely terrible team who had nothing but top ten picks. Our fans were pissed but Coach Ryan insisted on the deal because he respected ‘Berger’s girth. Little did they know how that would turn out.
OD’d TMZ Photographer: So you and Roethlisberger spent a lot of time together after that?
Tebow: Every single night man. On some days we’d creep through the local bars by Staten Island Community College for babes. Other days we would snort coke until we couldn’t feel anything and then go out and challenge Central Park carriage horses to fist fights. I thought money was great, but if you really want to impress a chick offer her a fat line of Peruvian Nose Clams and then punch a fucking horse in the face.
Tabloid Journo: Would you say that you regret the time spent in your early career being so spiritual?
Tebow: Sort of. It’s hard, because I never knew that you could be a professional athlete and not spout a PR wet dream agenda all the time. Sure, the whole Jesus thing got me a contract with ESPN that guaranteed me 75% of all coverage for the 2013 season. Apparently Walt Disney’s wildly anti-Semitic ghost still runs Disney and he really wanted to push the whole Jesus thing as far as he could. So I mean that was great and all, and I’m sure Heaven is nice, but if ending up here in Hell means I had a shit ton of fun in my final years, then so be it.
Jay Mariotti: How do you feel about the other, more prominent tortured souls of Hell ahead of you on the demonic depth chart?
Tebow: Well I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t spoken and texted with Lucifer about the situation several times while I was still on Earth. I got his number from Eli Manning, who actually made some sort of deal with him about a decade ago, and we have had an excellent working relationship so far. I’m really looking forward to being able to make everyone in Hell better servants of the great defiled one, our evil master Satan. Thank you for your time, I’ll be taking no further questions at this point. Satan really wants to show me where they keep all of the aborted fetuses.
(*Skip Bayless runs in*)
Skip Bayless: WHAT!?! NOOOO! It’s true then? You went to Hell? Say it isn’t so Tim! Dear God no!!!! You were the chosen quarterback.
Tebow: How did you get down here Skip?
Skip Bayless: After you died I went to every psychic in the city trying to contact your soul, but I had no luck. Finally a old gypsy woman told me that you were in Hell so I killed myself and came down here to see if it was true. Because THAT’S HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU TIM!
Tebow: God you’re a creep. Leave me alone douchebag.
(*Skip Bayless cries harder, is carried away by demons*)
Skip Bayless: TIIIIIIM!!! NOOOOOO!!!
Tebow: Alright I’m fuckin’ bored, time to get my D wet. Yo where’s Brittany Murphy at? And make sure it’s the fat Brittany Murphy, I fucking love “Clueless.”
(*fake punches at a demon, high fives Jay Mariotti*)