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It’s been a little over 9 months since I last wrote for TFM, teaching students across the nation what their choice in throwback basketball jerseys says about them. I’m back to address an important issue.
As yet another school year has gone by, students are once again returning home to face the disappointment in their parents’ eyes. It’s a sad time for many no doubt, but luckily Uncle Bryce is here with some tips to help your summer vacation back home run smoothly.
1. Pretty simple: get a job
Summer is a time to have fun and relax, but have you ever heard of muhfuckin skrilla? You’ll have a lot of free time in-between stalking your ex’s Twitter and waking up at 3 p.m., so get off your ass and go stack that bread.
2. Work on your alcohol tolerance
You thought no one knew you threw up at that last party when you “went to take a piss,” but you weren’t fooling anyone. It’s okay, though; use these next couple months as an opportunity to build your tolerance up and show all those haters that you just didn’t eat enough that day.
3. Watch HBO
This is for late nights and shitty days. As a professional college student, I have dedicated a fair amount of my time to streaming services like Netflix and Hulu. They’re cool, but the real quality TV comes from HBO. I mean, have you seen Barry? Barry is the fucking tits.
4. Get weird with the old squad
This one is pretty obvious and I’m sure most of you do it anyway, but plans get changed all the time and it can be hard to get the whole squad together. Step up and make those plans definite. There’s nothing like getting ripped with the day-one homies and reminiscing about the times when shitting on some random porch was a common weekend activity.
5. Contact your local congressman with a serious concern about your community
Bet you won’t.
6. Limit your masturbation to once per day
I’m sure you like the song, but let’s face it — you’re no Jordan Belfort. One crank sesh a day is ideal with the summer heat coming in. Once is just enough to feel relieved, and not too much to where you can’t still turn into the Hulk should some poor soul talk shit about your favorite team. I don’t have my charts on me, but it makes sense. Trust me.
7. Spark up an old flame from your high school days
Let me make it abundantly clear that they need to be 18 or older. I’m from a small town in Indiana, and I’ve seen too many of these situations where dudes are coming home from college and hanging with 16-year-olds. We may as well change our state mascot from the “Hoosiers” to the “Subway Spokesmen.” Yes, the age of consent in this state is 16, but if you’re really about that life then you can fuck right off.
8. Embrace your inner angler
God dammit I love fishing. If you’ve never gotten into it, you should definitely give it a chance. Something about sippin’ on beers, handlin’ sharp hooks, and catchin’ some fish makes you feel like a real badass. It’s great for taking a break from the everyday bullshit going on in the world too, like the ever-imminent threat of nuclear war (I’m not falling for this whole “nice guy” schtick, Kim; I’m onto you).
9. Read a book
10. Go outside and enjoy the summer weather
Summer only comes around once a year, and it’ll be over before you know it. So grab some brews, call up some buds, and go enjoy it..