10. Tom Collins:
The Tom Collins, a simple drink of gin, soda water, lemons and some sugar, may not sound like the most masculine drink on the market. Yet, the drink is a timeless classic, goes down smooth, and when mixed correctly is usually about 50% pure gin. There’s a reason Tom Hagen drank them in the Godfather. If you haven’t been slamming these back, change up your usual routine of whiskey cokes and introduce some class to your night out.
9. Jim Beam:
You’ve had it. I’ve had it. The guy who founded your chapter 80 years ago drank it aggressively one night and invented ‘bows and toes. It’s American, it kicks like a mule going down, and you love it. Nothing wrong with this classic.
8. Four Horsemen:
This was what you drank the night after your initiation, celebrating the fact that you finally knew the secrets. You don’t remember however, because this double, or quadruple, shot combines the four most dangerous names in the alcohol business: Jack (Daniels), Jim (Beam), Johnny (Walker) and Jose (Cuervo). Often found with his associate, the Three Wisemen, who wisely forgoes the foreign labor that Jose puts in.
7. The Kraken Rum:
Rarely can you sip on 94 Proof spirits for an entire night, but Kraken is simply that smooth. You’ll find yourself going through half the bottle before realizing that the floor is spinning and your pledges are looking even more punchable. But violence isn’t the answer here. Women are. Slampieces love rum; it’s sweet, and mixes well. However, most rums top out at 70 proof, and she has no clue what’s in the bottle. She’s getting more bang for her buck, and so will you.
6. Johnnie Walker Blue Label:
It’s not cheap, and it’s not for you. You won’t appreciate this whiskey. Hell, I don’t appreciate this whiskey. This whiskey is for the fraternity man who has aged well, rose through the ranks (or inherited his title) and now runs his company/country club/country. Grow up and wait, because whiskey earned (or inherited), tastes much better than whiskey pooled for by all your JI friends.
5. Natural Light:
To every yin (Johnnie Blue), a yang. Natty Light is that yang. Cheap is the name of the game here, because when you’re making a pledge chug a beer faster than the other can recite the alphabet backwards, quality is not important. A flat (24 tall boys) of Natty here in Florida is currently fifteen dollars, spend the money for 10.
4. Pinot Noir:
Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where cracking open a Natty or shooting whiskey will be socially unacceptable. Sure, you could announce your presence with authority, disregarding societal norms and throwing away all classiness you think your recent initiation has brought you, but sometimes you have to play the game. If wine is the drink of the party, this is your safe bet. It straddles the line between sweet and dry, and if you’re Catholic, you’ll recognize it as the base for most communion wines. Classier than Riesling, more masculine than Chardonnay.
3. Mint Juleps:
Made correctly, the mint julep is a drink that transcends class, creed and tier. Those in the lower class and tier will never have a well-mixed julep, because they cannot afford the bartenders who serve them. Thus assured, the mint julep will remain the last bastion of true fraternity gentlemen.
2. Sake Bombs:
At our spring formal last year, we rented out an Asian restaurant. Naturally, we did not inform them that we were a group of fraternity men with dates. We abused their poor tables like Nagasaki. The point is, the Sake bomb does not carry the stain of New Jersey club hoppers, like the Jager bomb. Even girls find them fun to drink, making them ideal for mixed company, and after about eight or nine rounds you’ll be raging. Hard.
Now listen up. Your old man didn’t create a multi-million dollar business empire by working at a desk in 1985. He went to lunch. The 3 martinis, tax-deductible business lunch may have died out with the eight-track, but the drink is still alive. Just make sure you order it correctly: with Gin and Vermouth. This classic drink is strong, hits quickly and goes best with insider trading.