Top 3 Places To Bone On Campus

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In my spare time, and when I’m not busy in the kitchen making sandwiches or washing the dirty dishes from all the meals I dutifully make my boyfriend (we run out of dish soap a lot, which makes this a challenge), I’m of course trying to come up with other ways to make him happy. What else would I be doing, studying? Homework? Bettering myself? Please, I’m here to get my MRS degree and then spend the rest of my life as a housewife laying by the pool that I BETTER FUCKING HAVE in my backyard that overlooks the Pacific Ocean.

However, my extremely high aspirations of doing nothing with my life are beside the point, so let’s get back to the original question of “How do I keep my boyfriend entertained?” The answer would have to be that I sit around and come up with adventurous places for him to lay pipe to me. And since we’re in college, those places tend to be around campus.

Some of them are listed below.

1. The Library

The worst you’ll get is probably some GDI Engineering student that just watches from a distance while touching himself through his cargo shorts…

I’ve been to the UMD library around five times total in my time here, including those annoying class “field trips” where you learn how to “use” the library (if you’ve made it to college but still haven’t figured out how to check out books and are majoring in anything other than Communications, switch your major now since Comm is more your speed), and I still haven’t learned or done anything productive in there. Probably the most notable thing I’ve ever accomplished there was attempting to write a Women’s Health paper, and then just letting my boyfriend give me a protein shake midway through as a study break. I suggest going during finals week when everyone and their fuckin’ mothers are there popping Adderall and snorting it off tables to try and learn an entire semester’s worth of material in 36 hours. Why? Because anyone with any authority whatsoever will most likely be busy dealing with the Comm majors that don’t know how to find books…in a library. Will you get caught? Maybe, but what college student is going to go and tattle on you? The worst you’ll get is probably some GDI Engineering student that just watches from a distance while touching himself through his cargo shorts, and even then you’ve helped not just one, but TWO people get off. Mother Theresa would be proud.

2. The Bathrooms

This one is a giant “duh,” but I know some of you butt pirates are dense and need the obvious stated to you. If the rank odor of farts and the potential for every stall to have a lovely dirt snake chillin’ out in a bowl turns you on, then this is the place for you. If none of that sounds appealing, then this is still the place for you. Why? Because you’re least likely to get caught here, and you sound like an unadventurous boner that pisses your panties in horror at even the thought of having sex in any position other than missionary. The best time to snake your drain (see what I did there?) would have to be while classes are still going on since the bathrooms are mostly empty, but if you’re one of those people that feels the need to one-up everyone around you (in which case you can go fuck yourself because no one likes you), feel free to do it in-between classes when everyone’s trying to go at the same time. Actually, go ahead and play on “hard mode” and be as loud as possible, but try to make it sound like you’re about to crap out your colon and it’s so painful that you need to let everyone around you know. That’s actually possible, by the way. The more you know.

3. The Buses

Is he gonna walk up to you and physically remove your penis from her vagina?

Okay, so OBVIOUSLY don’t start gettin’ freaky at like noon on a Tuesday when you randomly spring wood and there’s only like five other people on the bus (wait until 12:30). But on a Friday night when the bus is packed and everyone around you is hammered? You, sir, will become a legend. Plus, the worst that can happen is that the student bus driver kicks you off the bus. It’s not like there’s anyone relevant around that’ll actually get you sent to the Student Conduct Office. Even so, how’s he gonna kick you off the bus in the first place? Is he gonna walk up to you and physically remove your penis from her vagina, then zip your pants up and politely ask you to exit the vehicle? I’m not Jerry Sandusky, so I’m not an expert in this, but I’m pretty sure he just molested you to some degree. This is assuming of course that he even gets past the giant mob of people chanting and recording this beautiful blossoming orgy of love on their iPhones. If your life goal is to be featured on lowbrow smut websites or you’re trying to break into the amateur porn industry with a splash, this is your ticket to fame.


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Becca_Martie (@becca_martie) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move.

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