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Total Frat Recap: Breaking Bad

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Breaking Bad. The multiple Emmy-carrying AMC program has captivated its audience year after year with Walter White’s descent into criminal infamy. After a season break that seemed to last an eternity, the fifth and final season premiered Sunday with a fully-automatic bang. If you live under a rock or in denial of the greatest show TV has to offer, you might see a few spoilers in this recap. Re-evaluate your life, devote the next five weeks to obsessive compulsive Breaking Bad Netflix binges, and I assure you that you won’t be disappointed.

In a typical, “What the fuck is going on?” move, Season 5 began with a confusing scene featuring an odd hipster Walt with hair, celebrating his 52nd birthday. You quickly realize that this is some sort of end times future as soon as Walt opens a stranger’s trunk to purchase a menacing automatic weapon. Walt’s disguise and faked identity raise a lot of questions, and the only thing I can figure is that we have a long time before any of them will be answered.

Back in the “Holy shit, we just blew Gus’ face off” present, Walt scurries home to hide any evidence of his involvement in the wheelchair homicide from the explosive Season 4 finale. Before Walt can celebrate in his victory he recalls a menacing detail: the cameras. Every astronomically large batch of meth he cooked was recorded and saved on Gus’ laptop hard drive. As badass as Walt has become, he is still a criminal rookie and this oversight puts him in an undeniably shitty situation. As the laptop falls into DEA hands, the situation seems nearly hopeless. Luckily, hopeless situations are Walter White’s area of expertise, and getting rid of one tiny laptop is pussy shit compared to cancer.

The natural conclusion? Let’s scramble his shit from the outside with a giant truck-sized magnet. Lucky for everyone, Mysterious Hitman Mike just happens to know a gargantuan-magnet guy, and next thing you know the Dynamic Duo are driving around in ninja outfits outside of the DEA headquarters ready to pull the fuck out of some metal objects. Presumably the two dicked around beforehand, messing with people on the street who have tooth fillings as practice.

In a significantly less exciting sideplot, Queen Bitchwife Skyler meets her fresh-outta-coma former boss lover, Ted Beneke, and he vows not to squeal on her shady operations. While this story seemed dull and out of place by comparison, the fact that most of Walt’s money is gone will surely be a driving point in the rest of the season. My guess is that hard financial times are going to drive him back to creating the crystal blue he knows so well.

The preview for next week’s episode implies a return to the meth peddling Walt we’ve grown to both admire and despise. “There’s gold in the streets, just waiting for someone to come and scoop it up.” Walt states in a dastardly tone. We can be sure that Walt will be scooping by the shovelful, let’s just hope he isn’t also digging his own grave.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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