Total Valentine’s Day Frat Moves

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Valentine’s Day is huge at DeVry, thanks to online greeting cards, the heart emoji, and other free, pointless internet shit that the bitches eat up. You can get a DeVry gal to (Google) hang out with you on Valentine’s Day with extremely minimal effort. It’s great. I once got a video chat OTPHJ from some chick solely from the AIM pickup line, “My MacBook must have Windows because I can see you undressing on my computer screen in a few hours after my Skype unfreezes.” True story.

For those of you not fortunate enough to go to the most prestigious for-profit institution of higher learning in North America — and thus actually having to try on Valentine’s Day — I’ve compiled a list of Total Valentine’s Day Frat Moves for you. Check ‘em out.

  1. Eating a box of chocolates. NVDF. Munching box. TVDFM.
  2. Doing a line of crushed up candy hearts. TVDFM.
  3. ValenTinder’s Day. TVDFM.
  4. Dressing up as Cupid and shooting arrows at the pledges. TVDFM.
  5. Asking girls, “Will you be mine?” with no intention of being theirs in return. TVDFM.
  6. Making your Valentine’s Day mixer Fifty Shades of Grey themed. TVDFM.
  7. Stuffing your Valentine mailbox with incredibly sexualized Valentines that you wrote yourself. TVDFTC.
  8. Giving her flowers and then deflowering her. TVDFM.
  9. This guy. TVDFM.
  10. Taking the label sheet out of a Whitman’s Sampler and making the peanut allergy pledge pick a random chocolate and eat it. TVDFM.
  11. Secret admirers. NVDF. Shameless starers. TVDFTC.
  12. Making sure nobody gives any Valentines to the ugliest sorority on campus. TVDFM.
  13. Popping chocolate-covered cherries. TVDFM.
  14. Making sure your Valentine hates “made up, corporate holidays” so you have an excuse to not get her anything. TVDFM.
  15. Inserting your D(ay) into her V(alentine’s). TVDFM.
  16. Not having a Valentine until the bar closes at 2 a.m. the morning after Valentine’s Day. TVDFM.
  17. Giving a girl a heart-shaped box of chocolates with a card that reads, “Life is like a box of chocolates: I’m going to take both away from you if you won’t be my Valentine.” It’s a TVDFM.

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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