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Tryhards For Trump

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Remember back in 1986 when America was truly great? Back when my homeboy Reagan was in office? Back when Top Gun was atop the movie charts? Back before Barack ***HUSSEIN*** Obama was slinging handouts like some sort of primitive, hand-cranked, Muslim-Kenyan handout machine? Back when Michael Jackson was getting tossed the “Song of the Year” Gramophone instead of tossing off the kid from Home Alone?

Of course you don’t, because you weren’t alive back then and neither was I. That doesn’t matter, though, because you don’t need to have been living back then to know that it’s time to make America as great as we have been told it used to be — again!!!

Hey there. I’m (in the process of changing my name to) Bates Kenilworth Worthington IX, and I’m a proud, patriotic, dick-swinging, God-fearing, beer-chugging, sex-having American man, and I wholeheartedly support Donald Trump in his bid for president of these United States of America. I’m here to tell you why you should, too. Before I get into why Trump is a necessary addition to the White House, though, a little about my background and myself.

I’m just a down-home, country, good ol’ boy from a suburb of the prideful, tradition-heavy southern city of Tampa, Florida, where the whiskey flows like the nether regions of the numerous chicks I take to Plowtown, USA (population: 8 ropes in your eye), the river behind my family’s opulent lake house, and cash into my bank account. You ever been charged an overdraft fee? That’s NF. Last week I got charged an underdraft fee. The bank got pissed at me because I had so much money in my account that they didn’t know what to do with it all. I would’ve brought up how it makes no sense to take my money as a penalty for giving them too much of my money to work with, but the $1,350 fee was just a drop in the bucket for me, so I didn’t bother.

Sure, some morons might hear my story and call me a “tryhard.” But, in my opinion, that’s a much more honorable title to have than its opposite. What is the opposite of a tryhard, anyhow? A do-little? That would make sense, seeing as losers who don’t try hard enough usually end up living aimless, virgin lives where they have to talk to, and fuck, animals in lieu of girls. If there’s one thing I hate in this beautiful world that God has gifted us, it’s virgins. Needless to say (but I am going to say it anyways, to reiterate), I am not a virgin.

Do I sound like someone you can relate to, besides the fact that I have more money, get more women, and can down more 24-year single malt scotch than you (both because I can afford more of said scotch and because I have a higher alcohol tolerance)? Good – then let’s get down to brass tacks. Actually, scratch that. Brass is a peasant metal. I don’t fuck with alloys. Platinum tacks only over here. Platinum blondes only, too (to have sex with, of course).

We need Trump to be president because, unlike the soft-spoken pussy willows currently running this country, he’s willing to tell it like it is. There’s no sugar coating from the Don. Every hot take he has is 100% based in fact, too. He’s the epitome of logic. Our women are getting raped, and there are illegal Mexicans in our country? Put two and two together, America. TOO SLOW! Trump, in all his speedy benevolence, already did it for us. Somebody’s raping our women, and “somebody” includes, but is not limited to, Mexicans. That’s just straight transitive property right there, a concept that many highly esteemed smart people think is pretty cool (AKA virgins think it is dumb).

Are the Mexicans raping our women? Donald didn’t say that. If they aren’t, though, why are they so hesitant to build us that wall? What’s holding them back? What are they hiding? Pretty suspicious, if you ask me. I haven’t been able to look at our landscapers the same since. Our neighbors to the south will come to their senses eventually, and I’ll be right there sipping an Arny Palmy when they lay down that first brick. #BuildThatWall #Trump2016

Furthermore, Trump deserves to be president because the average American can relate to him. He graduated from a small college, then took a measly $1 million loan and turned it into a multi-billion dollar hospitality and real estate empire. A true rags-to-riches story — something that I personally can’t relate to as a riches-to-riches guy, but something that I can appreciate nonetheless. Trump is a living example of the American dream — one that lazy, unemployed Americans can attain if they get up from their yard couches and get to work.

We Trump supporters are feeling pretty confident these days. When it comes to Trump’s Republican opposition surpassing him in delegates, lightweight Marco Rubio doesn’t have a Jew’s shot at the White House, and Canadien Ted Cruz doesn’t have a former New York senator’s shot at banging Bill Clinton. And don’t even get me started on the Dems (who I’ve already taken the liberty of starting on). Hillary? Ha! No thanks. Bernie? Oh God. If communist Bernie Sanders gets elected, this country is going to need a period of Red Scare afterwards that’s even scarier and redder than our frathound’s behemoth penis before it can even think about being made great again.

That just leaves our boy Trump. And there he sits, atop his golden throne, eagerly awaiting his opportunity to bring America back to its glory days. Ronald got us there, and it’s time for Donald to bring us back. Join me and all my fellow tryhards in helping us get there.


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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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