I’m just going to cut to the chase. Dive right in. Skip the foreplay and get to the good stuff if you will. Sex. We all think about it. Most of us do it. But very few of us have the same preferences. While you might like doing it in bed, while making intense eye contact with your boyfriend, you friend might like getting pushed down and gagged while taking it from behind by some stranger. I don’t know. But what I do know is that there are a few basic positions in the world of s-e-x, and most of us have a favorite. Whether it’s something we all love, or something everyone else hates, here’s what your favorite says about you.
Missionary (With The Lights Off)
What It Is: Girl lays down. Guy lays on top of her. They “make love.”
Liking missionary with the lights off is basically like saying you don’t enjoy sex. At all. Or you don’t like the person you’re having sex with. Or you don’t like yourself. Yes, you’re technically “doing it.” But let’s be real. You’re sitting there pretending that he’s Chris Pratt, and he’s daydreaming about some Victoria’s Secret model and trying to last more than two minutes. Chances are you still feel sort of self-conscious about your body, or worse, you don’t like looking at his body. Neither of these will make you want to get off. But considering that missionary is your favorite, you probably don’t really care about getting there anyway. What can you say? You’re a die-hard romantic who cares more about (vom) his pleasure.
Chance Of An Orgasm: LOL. None for you, bye.
Missionary (With The Lights On)
What It Is: Girl lays down. Guy lays on top of her. They “make love” while looking into each other’s eyes and staring at their cellulite.
There’s some good stuff and some bad stuff here. The good is that at least you have the lights on. It’s a little more dangerous. A little more kinky. The bad news is, it’s still fucking in missionary. You want to seem like you enjoy a good hair pulling, but if we’re cutting the shit, you’re a romantic deep down. I know I know. You want to gaze into his eyes. You want to connect. You want to do it like they do in The Notebook. I hate to break it to you, but your life, and your clitoris, aren’t from a Nicholas Sparks novel. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can stop thinking about what you want to watch on Netflix while he’s plowing you and actually, I don’t know. Get off?
Chance Of An Orgasm: Maybe 5 percent. Tops.
Missionary With Legs Over Shoulders
What It Is: Girl lays down. Guy lays (or kneels) over her. Instead of putting her legs down, she rests them on his shoulders.
If you want to do the lamest position the least lame way possible, you shoot for the ol’ feet up missionary trick. You like guys to think you’re a bad bitch buuuut let’s be real. You have a Pinterest wedding board with his name all over it. You enjoy sex more than say, a wet piece of cardboard, but you still like to think of it as a sensual act, instead of, you know. Fucking. On the plus side, this actually feels pretty damn good, and you get the benefit of eye contact which might trick him into saying those three little words. Win-win.
Chance Of An Orgasm: 20ish percent if you’re doing it right.
Laying Down Face Down
What It Is: Girl lays down on her stomach. Guy lays down on top of her and somehow maneuvers his penis into her.
So this is a weird one. Some people hate it because, as my boss likes to say, “you just lay on your stomach and let him do you like a corpse.” BUT some people love it because you just, well, lay on your stomach and let him do you like a corpse. If this is your favorite you’re most likely the laziest person ever. But, you don’t try to hide your lazy. You’re not going to run out to the bar just because your friends tried to guilt you. Nah. You’ll be at home, no pants, watching Netflix and ordering food so you don’t have to drive anywhere. Luckily for you, the lazy life works. Guys like you because you’re laid back and chill, and you like you because you get to do absolutely no work in the bedroom.
Chance Of An Orgasm: 10 percent. Maybe. But the fact that you don’t have to do anything makes you feel like 100.
For The Slightly More Adventurous Types
What It Is: Girl kneels on (or stands and bends at the hips) the bed. Guy stands behind her. The end.
Girls who like doggy are the girls who get rings. Why? Because they don’t take things so seriously. Chances are that if you like doggy, you’ve also high fived at least once during sex. You’d drink a beer mid-blow job and you enjoy getting your hair pulled. You’re the girl guys dream of ending up with, and the fact that your favorite position is easy to add a hand (or vibe) to, just proves that you’re a smart lady who knows what she’s doing. Well done, and please invite me to your wedding. I dig an open bar.
Chance Of An Orgasm: 80 percent. If this is your favorite, you know what you’re doing and can most likely get yourself off, whether he’s doing a good job or not.
The Sit And Straddle (AKA Ride Time)
What It Is: Guy sits on the edge of the bed or on a chair. Girl faces him, straddles him, and rides him.
If this is your go-to position, you most likely also enjoy dancing on table tops and wearing heels when everyone else is wearing flats. I’m not saying that the bitch who gravitates towards this is an attention whore, but, actually yeah. That’s what I’m saying. She’s not afraid to give a blow job, and she loves making guys squirm and get excited (read: boners). She’s given a lap dance and yes, she gets off from the sheer idea of turning him on. And for that reason she is, of course, our worst fucking nightmare. If you’re a Sit and Straddle gal, just know all of your friends kind of hate you. But don’t worry, it’s not your fault. You can’t help that you’re such a goddess in the sack.
Chance Of An Orgasm: 60 percent. Because this is the kind of girl guys will actually try to please for at least a few minutes.
What It Is: Girl lays on her side. Guy lays on his side behind her, as the big spoon. They bang.
Ah the Spoon girls. What clever, unique creatures. On one hand, they’re lazy AF. The don’t want to actually do work, and they would really prefer to just lay there. That being said, they’re not the basics who are expecting a Prince Charming to gaze into their eyes and make them come. But they also aren’t above a little bit of romance. They feel pretty good about their bodies (because yes, this position isn’t the most flattering), and they know how to manipulate most situations. Like laying down, while a guy screws her, in a position that just begs for extra hand assistance. Well played ladies. Well played.
Chance Of An Orgasm: I’ll give it a sold 50 percent because this position is super easy for guys to reach around.
What It Is: Guy lays down (hands behind his head optional). Girl sits on top of him, face to face.
There are two types of girls who like this position. Ones who enjoy being in charge of literally everything. And pushovers. Let’s just say you’re the first kind. The plus side of this is that you get to be in control. Which is great, because that’s what you thrive off of. Your planner shows everything you’re doing, by the hour, and you don’t remember the last time you had to actually clean your room because it’s always organized perfectly. You thrive off of leading, and it’s no exception in sex. Plus, as long as you really go for it 100 percent (which you will, because you go for everything 100 percent), you can count it as your cardio. Respect.
Chance Of An Orgasm: 70 percent. As long as you’ve limbered up and have a good lung capacity.
For The Kinky, The Confident, And The Crazy
What It Is: Guy stands up. He lifts girl. She sort of hops/jiggles around with his penis inside of her.
This position is for girls who feel really skinny and guys who feel inadequate. I’m sorry, but I just don’t trust anyone who would choose to stand when they could lay down. In a bed. With pillows and throw blankets. It honestly just doesn’t compute. If you’re one of these psychos you probably enjoy organized sports or physical activity. Do you have a gym membership? You bet your sweet, squats sculpted-ass that you do. Have you monitored how many calories you burned during sex on your FitBit? Hell yeah. Do you and the guy you’re banging use a mirror just to look at how hot you are? Duh. Sure we all hate on you, but you know the truth. We’re just jealous, out of shape, haters. At least that’s what you tell yourself.
Chance Of An Orgasm: You get an orgasm every time you look at yourself in the mirror, so an obvious 100.
Reverse Cow Girl
What It Is: Guy lays down (again, hands behind his head optional). Girl sits on top of him, but instead of sitting face to face, she turns around so her ass is facing him.
The girl who loves this position is the girl you fear. Either she has her entire, perfect life together or she’s a beautiful, freak of nature. Either way, she’s usually the hottest girl in every room because it takes someone with killer confidence to pull this off. Is it because the guy is staring up her asshole? Maybe. Is it because it takes a contortionist to actually get off in this position? Quite possibly. Whatever it is, she’s usually the life of the party, and brings life to the bedroom. Or the kitchen counter. Or on top of the dryer.
Chance Of An Orgasm: 20 percent, thanks to our old friend, friction.
Face Down Ass Up
What It Is: Exactly like doggy. But instead of resting on her hands, she either rests low on her forearms or puts her hands behind her back, and is resting on her face.
The FDAU girl is sort of a freak. Guys love her. But they love her the way they love late night Taco Bell. It’s fucking amazing. And it’s going to rock their world. But the next day most guys wont feel that good about it. It’s not a thing of pride. You’re not going to take fucking Taco Bell home to mom. That being said, these chicks have amazing sex, and guys pretty much adore them in a “we’re never going to date” way. But still, they’ll find their kinky soulmates and those guys will be the happiest, freakiest bastards in the world. Lucky bitch.
Chance Of An Orgasm: 90 percent. If you’re doing this you know how to get it done. And by “it” I mean orgasms.
What It Is: Girl stands in shower (facing away from the water if she knows what’s good for her). Guy stands behind her. She bends at the hips and he takes her from behind. Think doggy. But standing up. And in a slippery box of danger.
Shower sex as a favorite is a slippery choice (ha HA enjoy the punny things in life, guys). If this is your go-to, you’re not only very task oriented, but your to-do list is your life. You know that you want/need to have intercourse with your bf. But you also have to go to class, attend an IM game, go to meal plan, go to the gym, blah blah blah. So instead of wasting time by banging then showering, you do them both at the same time. No, it’s not the best for getting you there, but it’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s clean, which is basically your life motto.
Chance Of An Orgasm: 10 percent, but hey, it’s not like you were actually expecting to get off anyway.
What It Is: Hell.
If your favorite sex position is laying on top of a guy like a beached whale while you both half-heartedly lick each other’s genitals, are stare into your assholes, then I don’t want to know you. Ever. Sure the occasional 69 when you’re drunk and neither of you is willing to take the plunge alone, okay. But this? Your favorite? For shame, ma’am. For shame.
Chance Of An Orgasm: None. Okay maybe like 30 percent. But at what cost?
So whichever one one you choose, go forth and enjoy. Happy orgasms!