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‘Twas The Night Before Finals

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As we guzzled down pitchers and fueled our fermented diet,
The geeds in the library sat in a cargo-laden quiet.
Fantasizing about grades and other misguided feats,
Their nosesand eyes twitching, they sat giddily in their seats.

“The test is tomorrow! Those Greeks don’t have a clue!
For three months we’ve studied as those hounds pounded booze!
We’ll sit here memorizing formulas until we can’t stand,
Then we’ll get a four point, and dare to shake to our hands!”

A mischievous grin grew on the face of a pledge sitting nearby,
He thought “I’d ratherchug Franzia than be a GDI.
While they sit there and slander, I’ll show them who’s started,”
So he pulled off his pants and in their faces, he farted.

The gas from his starfish caused gags and dry heaves
As the nerds collapsed in their chairs like arms out of a sleeve.
Defeated and dejected, the only words they could muster,
“I can’t believe one day we’ll be working for that freshman crop duster.”

And as the geeds hit the books and sorority girls napped,
The wisest men of them all toasted to their victory lap.
For life is too short to spend college days sober
Why graduate in four when there’s football in October?

So here’s to Christmas break and a month without class,
To test banks and “fish tanks” that get us a pass.
Cheers to the procrastinators, and cheers to the ambitious
Happy finals week to all, and good luck, you sons of witches.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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