Alex Becker
After entering the transfer portal back in March, former Michigan center Hunter Dickinson has just declared his intention to transfer to Kansas and become a Jayhawk. As a Michigan fan and alumni, I can say with complete confidence that Kansas fans should not be happy about this.
Hunter got to Michigan when I was a sophomore, trapped in a frat house rarely leaving due to corona and completely virtual classes. In a time filled with no school work, little showering, and a whole bunch of degeneracy, the Michigan basketball team meant a lot to us packed in that asbestos-ridden 1940’s style mansion. And for that season, this lanky ass freshman with a somewhat funny last name was our hope for a better tomorrow. He was magnificent. He could score the ball, pass, and even knock down a mid range jumper every now and then. It was like watching a young, American Jokic in the making as he led the Wolverines to a No.1 seed in the tournament. While we ended up losing in the Elite 8 to UCLA, the entire Michigan fan base was in Hunter’s corner, rooting for him to be our next big star. Now, three years later, I am so happy he is gone.
So what happened? Why do Michigan fans hate The Dickman now? What made him leave? The answer isn’t easy, but I’ll do my best to walk you through.
First things first, this man cannot rebound the ball. I don’t know if he is just allergic to the ball coming off the backboard or if he has a bruised anus which prohibits him from boxing out, but regardless Hunter is possibly the worst 7-foot rebounder in the world. Over the course of his career at U-M, Dickinson averaged 8.4 rebounds per game. Honestly, that doesn’t sound as bad as I thought it would, but you gotta understand that anyone over 7-feet that plays over 25 minutes a game should rack up 10 boards with ease. Dickinson never averaged over 10 rebounds in a single season, which as a center is his main job. He literally watches the ball go up in the air, hit the rim, bounce on the ground, and then try to scoop it up as if it were a fumbled football. It is one of the most infuriating parts of being a basketball fan and I won’t miss it even slightly.
Speaking of not being able to do what 7-footers do, Hunter can’t make layups. He will make a bunch of contested post-ups, some jumpers, and an occasional three, but you will never see him make a layup on the first go around. He will inevitably miss off the backboard, despite being able to dunk it, and then grasp for a rebound, probably get fouled, and go one for two at the line. That’s his style of play. He’s awkward, can’t move nearly as fast as he thinks he can, flails about like a fish out of water, and yet somehow is always the most confident person on the floor. It doesn’t make sense.
In terms of off the court personality, expect to see Hunter at your typical college bar, desperately looking for attention. Of course, he gets it, but it’s kind of hard not to when you Connor McGregor strut around announcing who you are. Honestly, I don’t even care that he wants attention, he would have gotten it even without playing basketball just due to his size. What really pisses me off is that you know for a fact that Hunter is going out on Saturday night. Doesn’t matter if he has a game tomorrow or just got fucked on by Seton Hall, Dickinson will make sure to show face.
So despite my hatred for this 7-foot oaf, he was widely regarded as one of the best players to enter the transfer portal ever. Why? Well for one, he is 7-foot, so no matter how abysmal of a rebounder he currently is, every coach out there sees “potential.” He can score from multiple parts on the floor and plays pretty good defense, but I promise you all this man is not a winner.
Hunter is the definition of an NIL sellout. His entire instagram is corny ass advertisements for ChatGPT and tutoring services. He does one of the worst podcasts I’ve ever heard with Barstool’s worst blogger Marty Mush. Even the video he posted to announce his transfer was ridiculous. I mean who’s idea was that scripted phone call at the beginning? Hunter is barely a basketball player, he is most definitely not an actor.
If it somehow isn’t clear, Hunter is just chasing a ring. He should have declared for the draft after his freshman year. At this point, he has no shot of making it anywhere other than China. So, he decided to leave a school where he would get a legitimate education and instead try to win a championship on a team that was already close without him. No one likes ring chasers and Hunter will not be the first to change that tide.
So Kansas fans, I’m sorry. I know you are all excited about this, but don’t be. You just got yourself an egotistical, unathletic, loser. Hunter Dickinson is a fraud. He will not get you a championship and honestly probably push you further away from your goal. He will expect to be the focal point of the offense, yet never know where to be on the floor. His mannerisms will begin to irritate you. His gameplay will infuriate you. And his overall personality will have you wishing for his tenure to be up. Good luck with him Jayhawks, I’m glad he is no longer my problem.
