This UC Berkeley fraternity member doesn’t mess around when it comes to March Madness. If you’ve ever had the misfortune of being tasked with organizing your chapter’s NCAA Tournament bracket pool, you know where this guy’s coming from, and why he had to go to such extreme measures to help ensure his lazy-ass fraternity brothers filled out their damn brackets in time. Here’s his letter in full:
Last March, some chick in Vegas had a few Mojitos and decided to put some money down on a March Madness Bracket. After a few more Mojitos and maybe a Sex on the Beach or even a Lemon Drop Martini, she decided to hit the roulette table with whatever straggling bachelor party attendee she could seduce with her new Victoria’s Secret Dream Angels Multi-Way Bra. As she places her last blue chip on black, a mysterious man replaces her Lemon Drop Martini with a similarly delightful, but more forgetful beverage. From there, everything is a blur. She wakes up, many hours later, on a hardwood floor from what appears to be a tree house. She crawls to the window and looks out desperately. Making sense of what she can see, a tree house is only out of the question, as her delusion concludes that she had been transported to the Favelas of Rio De Janeiro. In distress, she begins to vomit and nothing comes out. She keeps heaving and heaving, until finally, a small bag of blue crystals (yes, the crystals from Lucy) slowly climbs up her throat and falls onto the floor. She quickly realized that she had been made a drug mule and fainted. When she wakes, the drugs are gone. She tries the door, but it doesn’t budge. She tries to break the window, but its destruction is well-beyond her capabilities in her current circumstance. For a month she is trapped in the room, fed only once a day through a slot at the bottom of the door. Finally, one day, the door is rammed in by a group of armored men. “CIA!,” they shout, as they extract the girl from the room. Weak in her words, she asks the men where she was. They explain that she had been kidnapped and utilized as a drug mule by the Hombres De Los Drugos, a sub-gang of the Rio-Based gang Amigos Dos Amigos. “You’re a pretty lucky girl,” exclaimed one of the agents, “a perfect bracket is typically unheard of.” Little did she know that she had been the face of television around the world. Not only had she been missing, but she had had the only perfect bracket of the 2016 March Madness Tournament on record. She didn’t recall making the bracket, nor how she had selected the teams based on their colors, but boy was she happy to return home from her captivation in Brazil to millions of dollars, but more importantly, as a March Madness champion. This narrative begs a few questions:
Would the world have been less likely to find the girl had she not created a bracket?
Are you more likely to make a bracket (takes 5 minutes) now that you have read this narrative?
Can we trust the CIA?
What happened to Malaysian Flight 370?
Did Einstein write the Voynich Manuscript?
Bracket Deadline: Thursday 9:00AM PT
Damn; what an emotional whirlwind. I smiled. I grimaced. I laughed. I cried. I voided my bowels. I bought a case of delicious ’90s soda Surge on Amazon. I cried again when it didn’t come same day delivery like I’d ordered. Then this story made me smile again and I forgot about the whole ordeal.
Well done. Your classic “come on guys, please fill out your brackets. If you don’t, it’s a disservice to the on-the-ball brothers who already did. Think of our values” was never going to work. You need shock and awe to convince people to get off their lazy asses, and shock and awe this man provided.
I like the cut of this guy’s gib. He’s a pretty damn good writer, too. Hey guy — shoot me an email at email@example.com if you’re interested in writing for TFM..
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