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UCLA – USC Rivalry Intensifies Over Midfield Grass Stabbing

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I’m quite familiar with stabbings at the Rose Bowl. This past January I watched from the stands in horror as Oregon stabbed their throbbing duck dicks into my beloved Bucky Badger. But Bucky and I grimaced through the pain like real men. The same can’t be said about UCLA.

According to a source close to USC’s Spirit of Troy, the Trojans’ band has been informed by UCLA officials that the school’s sword-wielding drum major will be prohibited from his traditional pregame stabbing of the grass this weekend at the Rose Bowl.

Really, UCLA? You are complaining about what USC might do in a pregame performance? There are only two types of people that could even get mad about this sword stabbing.

The first is a UCLA alumnus who got into the game extra early to watch his team warm up through his huge blu-blocker sunglasses, and just spends his entire time complaining about how the Bruins haven’t been the same since the days of Kenny “Kingfish” Washington. Odds are this geezer can’t even see well enough to know what’s going on. If he did somehow manage to see the Drum Major stick the sword into the emblem, it would get his blood boiling hotter than one of his boner pills.

The second type of person that could get mad about this sword stabbing is the drunken UCLA student. I’m sure if one of those guys saw this happen they’d go ape shit, possibly hop the fence and hogtie Lane Kiffin like the stupid pig he is.

Except the key words are “if one of those guys saw this happen.”

Which they wouldn’t.

Hell, unless your own school has a historic pre-game ritual there’s no sense in taking precious time out of your tailgate to go inside, stand up, and watch the marching GDIs walk in formation.

At the end of the day, he’s just aerating the grass.



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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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