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UConn No Longer Allows Students And Teachers To Bone

JUST in case anyone was actually doing that. I feel like this doesn’t pertain to the Greek Life crowd all that much. The person usually boning the 52-year-old economics professor is some lonely, chubby GDI girl or a strapping young gay guy, depending on the professor’s sexual orientation. Regardless, two things are always certain. 1) The professor is married. 2) No matter the gender, that student is getting an A, and by that I mean anal. I mean, sure, some frat guy might bang out a decent-looking TA every once in a while, but that doesn’t count.

The University of Connecticut, however, is here to ruin all the fun for horny, old professors and vulnerable students.

The University of Connecticut (UConn) is set to implement a new policy this fall which would ban consensual sexual relationships between staff members and students.

The Hartford Courant reported last week that the new rules would specifically prohibit consensual sexual relationships between faculty or staff and undergraduate students, and between graduate students and any faculty or staff member with authority over them.

Whoa whoa whoa, this INCLUDES TAs!?!? Fuck that! They’re students too! Do you know how many dreams you’re crushing, UConn? And, if I’m reading this correctly, the ban includes ALL staff. That makes forcing a pledge to make out with the female Hungarian janitor that much more dangerous. Though, I suppose adding danger to a pledge task is never a bad thing.

Apparently, UConn had been having some real issues with teacher-banging.

The changes are part of the school’s response to allegations that music professor Robert Miller, 66, engaged in sexual conduct with multiple students over decades, going so far as visiting UConn students’ freshman dorms and providing students with drugs.

I didn’t realize it was a crime to be the coolest professor of all time.

“That’s what I love about music students, I keep getting MUCH older, they stay the same age…and will also have sex with me for good grades and drugs,” Professor Miller said, before boasting about getting his hands on some killer Aerosmith tickets to a nearby 18-year-old coed.

“It should be easy for everyone there to grasp a simple notion: Professors are supposed to teach, not have sex with, students — even if the sex is consensual,” the editorial board of the Hartford Courant argued last week.

Um, then why did everyone bring their penises and vaginas to class? Riddle me that Hartford Courant. Pretty mixed message.

“It seems at least at that point that there were concerns that it wasn’t in everyone’s best interests and that there was some gap in university policy that should be looked at,” she said.

Was it the College Democrats telling the university to keep its rules off their bodies? Perhaps the College Republicans thought the policy didn’t ring true with conservatism, and that the university was overreaching. Presumably, whoever was arguing against this new policy was simply trying to point out that TAs are students AND university staff, and should thus be exempted from this rule BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU NOT LET SOMEONE HAVE SEX WITH A TA IT’S UNAMERICAN!

Sietz could not confirm what the exact penalties would be for professors or students who violated the new rules.

May I suggest fired and high-fived, respectively?

[via Campus Reform]


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