UFC: Neanderthals Beating Each Other Up in Bathing Suits

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Bloodlust is something that has permeated cultures of different time periods since the beginning of human existence. From the great gladiator battles of ancient Rome to Cain clown-stomping his brother Abel way back in the B.C., violence is something that we generally celebrate. Although this could sound horrifying when first considering the notion, the great thing about this violence is that we learned to control it. Instead of simply throwing two crazed men in a pit with each other to fight to the death, we established rules to fight by. We turned the barbaric aspect of violence into something respectable and dignified with sports like boxing and wrestiling. In boxing, instead of beating your opponent when he goes down, you let him back up to fight you face to face with honor. This is dignified. However, despite our greatest conquests in civilizing our violence, we have taken a giant step back. We created a monster, and it is called UFC.

I know every MMA fanboy out there is going to say “UFC is only a promotion company…Dana White…blah blah blah blah.” You fanboys get your shit so up in a wad I’m surprised UFC isn’t sponsored by fucking Midol. So, to clear it up for the ass-hats, I know UFC is not the name of the sport. It is mixed martial arts, I know, just shut the fuck up. However, UFC is a company that represents the bulk of the sport to the eyes of the world, and its existence is the worst thing about MMA fighting.

The thing I find most humorous about UFC matches is that they consist of two people fighting within the confines of a chain-link fence. Nothing screams “I have sex with my sister” quite like being into watching two dudes beat each other in a cage. From the chain-link to the people inside the cage, The Octagon reminds me of a minimum security rec yard and it has just as much class as one. Yet, the cage is only the cherry on top of the god-awful empire UFC has built.

The devout UFC culture consists of people who honestly believe that being able to put someone in an arm-bar is a character trait and get hard-ons when jock-rock starts playing in the gym. Any time I see guidos, townies, and guys who still wear their varsity jackets coming out of the woodwork, I usually assume it is because they couldn’t get UFC 583 at the local Hooters so they had to come to the bar I frequent. They love the sport for ridiculous reasons like “that’s what fighting is like in real life,” and the ever-popular “the fighters go balls to the wall, just look at that submission.” If you think MMA is anything like a real fight, see how well your Tap-Out wardrobe and expansive knowledge of ground game serve you after being suckerpunched at the bar. Trust me, it will happen. Everyone wants to clock the douche in the Tap-Out hoodie. As for going “balls to the wall”, watching some guido in boardshorts choke out a guy until he submits seems a little bit more “balls to the mouth” in my opinion.

But regardless, I would somewhat understand where the UFC fanbase was coming from if they simply admitted that the point of the Ultimate Fighter Championship was to watch two jarheads amped out on their own testosterone beat each other into pulp. Because deep down, I get the desire to watch some sort of barbarianism. We all did it when we watched fights in grade school, and it makes sense that some people like it. I don’t like it, but I GET IT. However, the UFC lemmings think this is the furthest from the truth. They think MMA is not only a dignified sport, but a sport so respectable it should be in the fucking Olympics. THE OLYMPICS! Are you kidding me? Wrestling is an Olympic sport because it has been refined into something less than a clusterfuck of jiu-jitsu, judo, and bar brawling. Furthermore, I don’t know if athletes in a sport whose rules consist of no biting, hair-pulling, curb-stomping, or nut-grabbing, deserve to be representing our country.

The thing is, UFC fights are a brick to the back of the head away from being pay-per-view muggings. I know it’s a large spectator sport, but Wrestlemania used to be pretty big worldwide too. The people that get way too into the fights will defend UFC until the day they die, but they probably wouldn’t mind if the match had a guy yelling “FINISH HIM” after the down opponent went limp either. Sports like Boxing and Wrestling are legitimate because they have been perfected and refined. Until UFC starts classing up, it will eventually go the way of Randy “The Macho Man” Savage and the WWF.

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Grandex Marketing Manager, Snack Enthusiast, Lover, Gator. Co-Host of the Inside TFM Podcast.

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