Ukrainian Women Boycott Having Sex With Russians, For Freedom

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Nothing the world has done so far has stopped Russia’s aggression against the Ukraine. Sanctions? Putin laughed and wrestled three bears before boning like, seven prostitutes, FOR FREE. Kicked out of the G8? No fucks were given, and I’m sure a bunch of Russian billionaires sat around smoking $100 bills and doing lines of the purest cocaine off the closest mistress while poorly managing the Brooklyn Nets. Ukraine needed a bold new strategy, one that would hit Russians where it hurts them the most: right square in the Fabergé egg.

A group of Ukrainian women have created the “Don’t give it to a Russian” campaign. The movement implores their fellow countrywomen not to take one step back against the big, bad Russian bear by refusing to give them hand jobs, blow jobs, or the ever-popular Kremlin Surprise (which is a thing I just made up but it sounds real). The group’s slogan is a throwback to an 1838 Ukrainian poem, which says, “Fall in love, O dark-browed maidens, but not with the Moskaly [the Russians].” For Russian men in Ukraine, this will mark the beginning of a dark period of frequent Internet masturbation sessions and socks stiff enough to walk out the door on their own.

If history is any indicator, sex boycotts happen all the time. I mean, they go all the way back to the Greek epic “Lysistrata,” where women boycott sex to end the Peloponnesian War. So far, the response here hasn’t caused the Russians to pack up and go home, but it does have Russians calling them prostitutes on social media. So they’re making some kind of impact, I guess. First they call you prostitutes, then they stop fighting because of massive blue balls, then you win, right?

Personally, I don’t know how the Russians can hold out with this kind of talent across the border.


Women of Ukraine, if you look like her, America would be damn glad to have you.

[via The Atlantic]

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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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