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It’s no mystery that the female specimen is more complicated than a blind man solving a Rubik’s cube. As females, we barely understand ourselves. We expect you, as men, to know what we want, even if we don’t know what we want. We expect you to understand our feelings, although we feel we shouldn’t have to tell you how we’re feeling. We want you to compliment us, but we will disagree with you when you do. We want you to be nice to us, but not too nice–otherwise we’ll friend zone you. We want to be able to depend on you, but not too much, because we are independent. So, pick up the tab and open the door for us, but don’t throw your coat over a puddle, because in the last 50 years, we have figured out a way to traverse the class five rapids of a damp sidewalk.
Understanding the female is not that difficult when you can translate what she says to what she actually means. So, here it is, fellas: your guide to understanding the complex and intricate mind of the female specimen. Here are some commonly used phrases, with their direct feminine translations.
Her: “Let’s be romantic, turn off the lights, and get under the covers.”
Translation: I have flabby thighs and I’m bloated. Don’t look at me!
Her: “Why do you like me?”
Translation: I just want to hear a slew of compliments because I’m feeling a little insecure.
Her: “Oh, you’re so nice. Yeah, you can buy me a drink.”
Translation: The only liquid this creep is putting inside me is this Vodka tonic.
Her: “Size doesn’t matter…”
Translation: Well, only if it’s huge…
Her: “I think we’re better off as friends.”
Translation: I am not attracted to you, like, at all.
Her: “I have to use the ladies’ room.”
Translation: I’m about to shit my brains out.
Her: “You look really manly.”
Translation: You need to shave and you need to shower.
Her: “She’s ugly.”
Translation: She’s prettier than I am.
Her: “She’s a slut.”
Translation: I wish I had her body.
Her: “I’m on a diet.”
Translation: Actually I’m not, but that’s what we’re supposed to say, right?
Her: “I’m not overreacting.”
Translation: I’m on my period.
Her: “I love spending time with you.”
Translation: I don’t love you.
Her: “I don’t watch porn. That’s disgusting.”
Translation: Redtube and Spankwire are saved in my favorites.
Her: “As long I’m with you, that’s all I need.”
Translation: …and gifts.
Her: “I’ll be ready in a minute.”
Translation: Look at me. It takes at least an hour to look mediocre.
Her: “Masturbating is gross.”
Translation: “Shit, I forgot to put my vibrator away.”
Well, there you have it, guys. Hopefully, this has given you a glimpse into understanding the female psyche. Recognizing what she actually means versus what she says will take you halfway there–the other half of the way is just nodding and agreeing with her. Once you master these translations, learn to acknowledge she’s always right, and give great nod, you will have solved the female Rubik’s cube. You should now be able to land yourself a girlfriend. If you already have one, you will now be able to make her happy. Remember, guys, you can be right or you can be happy. So, chin up, then chin down and repeat. That’s how you give great nod.