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University of Cincinnati Student Obtains Restraining Order Against Her Own Parents

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The transition from high school graduation to college is a leap into adulthood. A time when responsibility, self-reliance and freedom all become much larger facets of your life. Also very important, it’s a time when parents are supposed to cut the proverbial cord, and let you figure some shit out on your own. However, not all parents are ready to let their kids embark on this life-changing endeavor, and they struggle with it. Apparently, some parents turn into complete lunatics in the process.

University of Cincinnati student Aubrey Ireland, 21, is the unfortunate spawn of Julie and David Ireland, perhaps the most overprotective parents on the planet. So overprotective, in fact, that an Ohio judge ruled in favor of Aubrey when she filed for a restraining order on account of some CIA-style espionage.

According to a judge’s ruling this month, Julie and David Ireland must stay at least 150 metres from their daughter at all times and could face criminal charges if they have any contact with their only child before Sept. 23, 2013.

I have to wonder what led to this development. Surely young Aubrey wasn’t always a model student. She has to have some deviantly characterized behavior in her past to be subjected to such stalking. You have to assume she knows her way around the meat ‘n potatoes. Big deal, though. She’s a 21-year-old college student. Promiscuity should no longer be taboo at her age.

How bad was the stalking, though?

Her parents began routinely driving nine hours from their home in Kansas to Cincinnati for unannounced visits, where they accused her of problems with drugs, promiscuity and mental illness.

This year, when they began harassing university officials with plans to legally force their daughter into treatment, Ms. Ireland took the case to court.

During court proceedings and an abortive mediation, the parents revealed they had installed key-loggers and tracking software on their daughter’s cellphone and laptop without her knowledge. For months, the two would have had access to her emails, social media interactions and phone calls.

Holy shit.

“She’s an only child who was catered to all her life by loving parents. We’re not bothering her. We’re not a problem.”

Your restraining order would wholeheartedly disagree with you, you damn psychos.



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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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