Have you ever been out at a college party when some basketball players show up? You guys are just chilling, shooting the shit. You ask them about the season and they’re polite and answer your questions, but it’s obvious they don’t really want to talk to you. After a few drinks, they start letting loose a little bit. One girlfriend shows up. Then a second. Followed by the third. Before long, that little get together turns into a giant college orgy, the likes of which couldn’t be broadcasted on even the filthiest porn websites in the darkest corners of the web.
Of course not, because college isn’t remotely like that at all.
The University of Georgia’s head basketball coach, Mark Fox, apparently didn’t attend college. Or, he just has unreasonable sexual expectations for his mediocre SEC basketball squad–a team who beat a school called “Western Carolina” this year by only two points. His team policies were recently exposed on the Student Press Law Center’s website, and they are sadly hilarious:
-No means no, date rape is a serious issue.
-You don’t own your girlfriend.
-Stay out of gray areas, Orgies and gang bangs are inappropriate.
-Never assault or intimidate a woman.
-Birth control is your responsibility too.
-Don’t spend all your energy in the bed all night.
-Hicky’s [sic] /passion marks should not be ever noticed by coaches.
-One. Not two or three girlfriends.
Don’t you fucking walk on Mark Fox’s basketball court with noticeable “hicky’s” or “passion marks.” Keep that mess under your practice jersey. Do your best to stay out of gray areas–Coach Fox drew the line when it comes to orgies and gangbangs, and you better not cross it.
And don’t think you can just get away with your crude sexual misconduct after practice when Coach Fox goes home, because he already thought of that. He’s made sure he has 24/7 eagle eyes on you and your sexual habits by implementing a “door is always open” policy in your dorm room. The school pays for it, so he can visit whenever he wants to.
UGA fans must be worried that this could negatively affect recruiting. But, let’s be honest, no good high school players were going to play at Georgia anyway. This is just another sad example of the oppressive thumb of the NCAA and its minions fingering (sorry) the student athletes.
[via Student Press Law Center]