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You guys know I love my alma mater, the University of Wisconsin-Madison, with all my heart. Why else would I use a picture of myself doing the “big dong” arm symbol as the featured image when I covered the fact that Wisconsin was named America’s top party school two days ago? My penis was a meager 2 inches in length when I entered Wisconsin for my freshman year back in 2011. Now? It’s a hearty 4. Sure, still not great, but that’s a 100% increase in size. This new length is something I can hang my hat on — both metaphorically and literally.
So far, I’ve agreed with my university’s stance on pretty much everything. The only thing I can think of that I had a problem with was our athletic teams’ usage of Adidas jerseys the entirety of my undergrad years. Disgusting. Adidas is like the Volkswagen of the sporting world — both were founded by Nazis, and, while they’re both terrible, they can at least say they’re not the worst thing the Nazis did. Thank God we switched over to Under Armour.
But alas, there may yet again be an area of contention when it comes to me and my university: this sign.
Don’t get me wrong — I see what they are going for here. The Chazen, an art museum right in the heart of UW’s campus that’s also just one block away from a lot of freshman housing, is an awesome museum (so I’ve heard… I walked by it every day and never went in because I don’t appreciate the finer things in life because I’m literal human garbage), and this poster is meant to both welcome new students to campus as well as pique interest in what appears to be some sort of satanic claymation Smurf leper colony exhibit currently on display at the museum.
But my concern? I think some freshman kid’s going to go out and get high for the first time in his life, stare at this poster, think the sculptures are talking to him, and wig the fuck out. I can see it now…
Freshman: IS THAT A SNAKE? Ah, no, it’s just my lanyard. Oh man, I’m high as fuck!
Freshman: Holy shit! Are… are you Death, here to take me to meet my maker?!?
Freshman: Wait… why isn’t he speaking Spanish then?
Freshman: AHHH! Who are you???
Freshman: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON DRUGS ARE TERRIBLE I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THAT D.A.R.E. OFFICER IN FIFTH GRADE.
And then, in a frightened, drug-induced frenzy, the freshman will do something stupid, like rip his own dick off. Then he won’t be able to experience the aforementioned penis growth that comes with a UW education.
Is that what we want for these baby Badgers? My gut tells me no, but my dong tells me “stop lying to all these people about me being 4 inches, you douche.” I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens..
Images via Twitter