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Or, should I say, our video of the unluckiest beer pong swat ever is going viral.
That’s right, Boy-Os. Your boy J-Bone was sifting through the Instagram submissions yesterday, per usual, when I came across the below video, which I posted to our Instagram page. It has everything: beer pong, cockiness, the thrill of victory, the anguish of defeat, and a top 5 all-time “so frat, so college” dorm room. I guess this video doesn’t have everything, since it doesn’t include Ken Bone hanging bone or poop flying out of a human asshole at rocket speeds, but it’s still pretty great, and it’s getting passed around the internet like it’s a hot potato in mid-nineteenth century Ireland.
Most people who watch this video merely see an unfortunate beer pong swat that came back to bite the swatter in the dungarees. Not I, though. The best part of this video, that you can only see if you free yourself from the mental slavery that comes with your brain feeling forced to watch the path of the ball, is the swatter’s post-swat demeanor.
First, he swats.
Then, he looks straight at the camera, as if to say, “You see that mothafuckas!? That’s called defense! Nice bounce attempt, but the only bouncing that goes down in this dorm room happens in my lofted bed! Unless I’m too drunk, then it’s on the futon. And I guess I also bounce the basketball in here when we play hoops on the door rim. BUT BESIDES THOSE THREE PLACES, THIS PONG TABLE NOT INCLUDED, THERE IS NO BOUNCING THAT TAKES PLACE IN HERE!”
Then, in the most sauvage (french word included on purpose) move of all, he grabs his dick in a physical manifestation of the aforementioned unspoken quote. Sadly, however, he doesn’t see the ball pop over his left shoulder and into the frontmost cup of his opponents’ rack.
A tragic, self-inflicted loss of two cups, but this guy shouldn’t care. You can’t live in the moment, friend; you must live in the past. Live life like you did back when you were a ball-swatting, dick-grabbing maestro who feared nothing but an unexpected RA appearance. If you live every day like you’re still in your prime despite being far removed from it, like Ron Dayne, Rudy Giuliani, or Madonna, you’re never on the decline. That’s life as it’s meant to be lived. That’s life on top..